


The Right To Call It Home

by assholemurphy



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Abuse Denial, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Discussions of said Suicidal Thoughts, Domestic Abuse (brief), Father!Kane, Flashbacks, M/M, Mother!Abby, Past Rape/Non-con, Rape Denial, Sappy Bits, Self-Hatred, Smut, Suicidal Thoughts (a bit), everyone is broken, everyone is healing, mentions of child abuse, victim blaming (by the victims)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-08
Updated: 2016-12-26
Packaged: 2018-07-22 08:26:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 41,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7427527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/assholemurphy/pseuds/assholemurphy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Murphy and Bellamy have both been through hell, pushed way beyond the breaking point and yet somehow they've managed to stay intact, so why is it when they're both safe for the first time in forever, they fall apart?<br/>Everyone is broken and healing and confronting harsh truths to hopefully end up in a better place. It's a struggle, it's worth the effort, but can they ever really fix themselves after all they've been through?</p><p>Characters, relationships, and tags to be added as they occur. All rape is past.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> All rape is in the past, but there are some flashbacks in this chapter, as well as a brief mention of past child abuse. I kind of expanded on what happened to Murphy, but it will get better in future chapters.
> 
> This is my first fic in 5 months, so I'm sorry if I'm a bit rusty at it. It'll be smoother in future chapters.

Murphy's back hit the wall and he gasped, his hands finding Bellamy's chest. He grabbed a hold of Bellamy's shirt and used it to pull him closer, “Been waiting way too long for this, Bell,” he panted out as the other's lips found his neck, sucking a mark into his skin. He'd been gone for too long but now he was back, within the walls of Arkadia, in Bellamy's room and he didn't plan on leaving it any time soon.

“Missed you,” Bellamy told him as he trailed kisses up Murphy's jaw, his hands on Murphy's hips. “You shouldn't have left.” It wasn't said with accusation or venom, it was almost a little sad and Murphy almost wanted to apologize for leaving. Almost.

“Well, you-” Murphy's reply was cut off when Bellamy kissed him, not even bothering to take it slowly, not that Murphy minded. He parted his lips, letting the older man explore his mouth, reacquainting himself with the feeling of Murphy's tongue against his own. His fingers toyed with the hem of Murphy's t-shirt, his thumb brushing against Murphy's skin and making him shudder. It had been way too long since he'd had Bellamy's hands on him.

Bellamy pulled back, Murphy whining at the loss, “Would you just hurry it up, already?” He wanted Bellamy now, dammit. He could feel anxiety bubbling in his gut, creeping up on him but he ignored it, thinking it to be nerves, shoving it away as Bellamy helped him out of his shirt, bearing his scarred chest to the cold of the room. Shivers ran across his skin as Bellamy drew away to rid himself of his own shirt, taking with him the warmth they'd created.

Murphy took a deep breath as he felt Bellamy tracing one of his newer scars, the feeling of being touched setting him on fire and making him grit his teeth. _Stop it, you were fine a second ago._

“Murphy,” Bellamy whispered, pressing a kiss to one of the yellowing bruises that littered Murphy's skin. They were away from the battle now but they still hadn't healed. It had been a long trip back from Polis and aside from kisses stolen in the dead of night while everyone else was asleep this was his first time alone with Bellamy. He wanted nothing more for the older man to just hurry up and take him, but the dread creeping up on him made him worry. Why couldn't he just have this? He wanted it, badly, but his every nerve was screaming for him to make it stop.

Murphy braced his hands against Bellamy's chest not sure if he wanted to pull him closer or push him away. It shouldn't be this hard. He'd been wanting this for so long, been waiting for the day he'd see Bellamy again and they'd be together again but now instead of excitement he felt terrified, like what he was doing was wrong. It shouldn't feel that way. Nothing was wrong, he was okay. This was all just nerves, he kept telling himself that but it didn't make him feel any better.

He felt Bellamy's hand working to unbutton his pants and he squeezed his eyes shut, trying to straighten his thoughts out but all he saw was her face. _'You're mine now, Murphy.'_

_'Will she kill you if you disappoint her?'_

_He saw her smirking at him, her gaze predatory and cruel and he knew he couldn't escape, even if it wasn't for the chain around his neck he'd be dead before he reached the door._

_'You're my pet. My toy. You will do as I say, do you understand me?'_

_He could do nothing but stand there as she did as she pleased, not caring about him in the slightest. He was an object to her. He didn't fear her so she made him pay for it. Or maybe she did like him, which Murphy found all the more sickening._

_'Don't even think about leaving this bed, I'm not even close to finished with you.'_

_He lay there, staring at the ceiling, waiting for it to be over, to stop, because he was tired and he wanted to sleep and he just wanted her to get off so he could rest already. So he could sleep because at least in his dreams he could run. He wished he'd just stayed with Jaha._

_'Do I have to remind you what will happen to you if you disobey me?'_

_He didn't need a reminder. The marks across his chest were enough. He'd tried to disobey and she'd cut him, acting like it was some sexual acct, like she enjoyed it. She probably did, but Murphy didn't say no again._

_'Please me, Murphy, and I might let you out of your chains.'_

_It sickened him, the things he was willing to do for her, the thing he was willing to do for the vain hope of being freed. She never would let him go, this was his life now, and dammit, he wished he'd just died in the desert. He didn't think he could hate anyone as much as he hated her, but he did as he was told, hoping that maybe this time she was going to be done with him._

Murphy forced his eyes open, gasping for air as he felt the cold metal of the collar being locked around his neck, cutting off his air worse than any noose ever could. “Stop!”

“Murphy?” Bellamy pulled away immediately, worried he had hurt Murphy somehow. He looked down at the him with concern, “Murphy are you alright?”

“No, no, let me go!” He panicked, unable to hold back the fear that raced through his veins, pushing past Bellamy, stopping only long enough to grab his shirt and button his pants, ignoring Bellamy's confused questions. He just needed out of there, needed her out of his head, needed to run away. To escape.

He fled down the corridors, turning at random corners until his lungs burned and his legs felt like lead weights. He couldn't go any further so he collapsed against the wall, panting as he slid down it.

_Dammit!_ Murphy slammed his head into the wall behind him, grateful for the pain it caused, pulling him out of his panic. Dammit, it was over. He was with Bellamy. Bellamy wasn't going to hurt him or force him into anything, he was safe, but he still couldn't shake the feeling of being trapped. It wasn't like it had even been that bad. So he'd shared a bed with the Commander, so what. It wasn't like he wasn't into girls, and technically he wasn't cheating on Bellamy because he'd been gone so long it didn't matter. He couldn't say he hadn't enjoyed it, he'd gotten off, hadn't he? That meant on some level he must not have been as unwilling as he'd thought he was. Murphy couldn't wrap his head around why he felt so scared, so violated.

He slammed his head into the wall twice more, effectively giving himself a headache before slouching over and putting his head in his hands. If he could just learn to separate the past from the present he'd be doing just fine.

The noise of the door opening went unnoticed as Murphy panted for breath, trying to stop himself from screaming, but his head jerked up as someone cleared their throat, startling him.

“You okay?” Monty asked, taking in Murphy's disheveled appearance. The disarray of his hair and clothes paired with the way he was gasping for breath screamed trouble. Monty couldn't see any immediate danger, but he was pretty sure if someone was chasing Murphy then it was only a matter of time before they found him. His thoughts went immediately to the Grounders but there was no way they'd gotten through the walls, not with all the guards on watch tonight, besides, if anyone had gotten inside he would have heard about it on the radio by now. At least, he should have, but what if they had somehow slipped in unnoticed, unlikely, but possible. If that was the case, he needed to alert someone immediately to let them know they were all-

“Monty?” Murphy asked, effectively cutting through Monty's thoughts. He tried to stand up but his legs wouldn't quite work underneath him and he slid back to the floor.

Monty extended his hand, helping Murphy to his feet and ushering him into the command station, “Come on.” He gently lowered Murphy into a chair, wondering exactly what had happened to him. “You need something?”

“Water?” Murphy managed between breaths. He felt like he'd been running for hours, and who knew, he could have been. All he knew was he had been looking for an exit he hadn't found.

Monty nodded and pulled a canteen from the table behind them, handing it out to Murphy who took it, thanking him and unscrewing the cap before taking a long drink.

After Murphy finished drinking, Monty waited patiently, expecting an explanation, but after a few moments it seemed he wasn't going to get one so he turned away, taking a seat and going back to the mess of wires in front of him.

“What are you doing?” Murphy asked, gesturing to the mess.

Accepting he wasn't going to get an answer for Murphy's strange behavior anytime soon, Monty shrugs, “I couldn't sleep so I figured I'd try to restore some more of our equipment. We could benefit from a second mobile radio.” They had only one rover, but who knew when they'd need a back up system.

“Why can't you sleep?” Murphy asked, picking up a scrap of wiring and twisting it around his fingers, waiting for Monty to answer him.

Monty scowled, biting back a retort. Murphy had issues with personal space, he knew that, he couldn't fault him for it. After all, they had once been friends, a long time ago and several thousand light years away. “I'll tell you why I can't sleep if you tell me why you were out in the hallway beating your head against the wall.”

Murphy remained silent, twisting the wire into various shapes while Monty fiddled with the radio. He didn't feel up to telling Monty why he had run, Monty would probably call him an idiot for it, anyway, because that's what he was. He was an idiot for freaking out and now Bellamy would probably hate him for it.

Monty let him sit there, silently watching him as he fixed the radio, connecting wires and cursing occasionally, making Murphy snicker every time. It took him a while but he thought he almost had it, he just had to wait until morning when he could convince someone to help him test it out.

As he watched Monty stuff the wires into the back of the radio, Murphy asked, “Why'd you let me in here?” He couldn't understand why Monty would just let him in a room alone with him after all the shit he'd done. Had Monty forgotten how he'd killed two of their people before trying to hang Bellamy? Was he not worried Murphy might do the same to him? Most people had better self preservation skills than that, but maybe Monty remembered their time on the Ark together, maybe he wasn't worried because he still considered Murphy a friend.

“Because you looked like you needed somewhere safe.”

“And this place is safe?” He couldn't imagine how being in a room full of computer equipment with Monty of all people qualified as safe, for either of them. It wasn't exactly secured, and while he was a fighter, Monty was, well, Monty. He wouldn't be Murphy's first pick for defense.

In reply Monty pulled his gun from it's holster and sat it in front of Murphy, hoping it would silence him. He'd never given it back after everything that had happened so he's taken to carrying it everywhere, he found it oddly reassuring, something that troubled him deeply considering what he'd already done with the weapon.

It didn't. Murphy stared at the weapon in front of him, trying to fathom how Monty, sweet, happy Monty who'd always had a smile on his face and reassuring words for anyone who looked even the least bit down could hold a gun, let alone handle it so comfortably. “You carry a gun?”

“Yes.” Not that it mattered, he didn't need a gun to kill people. All he needed was a computer and a reason, and it didn't even have to be that good of one, Monty supposed. Now he could justify taking any life as long as it saved someone else's, at least, that had to be the case.

That was ridiculous. Murphy understood the need for guards, but if they were arming the nerds now, there must be a serious problem. Either way, he couldn't imagine Monty knew how to use it. “You ever shoot anyone with that?” Murphy jokingly asked, finding the thought of Monty, the tiny kid who he'd seen goofing off with Jasper when they'd landed, actually shooting someone to be damn near hilarious.

“Yes.” Monty said blandly, wiping the smile from Murphy's face as he retrieved his weapon.

Well, that was a surprise, though Murphy supposed that it shouldn't be, if the stories he'd heard about Mt. Weather were true. “Who?”

There was a pause, then quietly, “My mother.”

Murphy almost didn't believe it but Monty had said it with such a straight face he knew it was true. That this world had taken Monty and turned him into someone who could shoot his own mother, Murphy knew Earth was a shitty place but this, he was pretty sure they should have all just died in space if this was what they had come to. “That sucks,” was the only thing he could think to say. He'd never been the greatest at comfort or compassion. He'd never been good at emotions or conversations, either.

Monty bit back a laugh, instead focusing on screwing the back panel onto the radio without attempting to continue the conversation.

The silence was nearly too much for Murphy, because it meant he had to think about what Monty just told him. That even him, the smallest and kindest of all of them, had committed murder, he just couldn't comprehend it. It didn't make sense, but in some twisted way it did and it sickened him, knowing that nobody was allowed to be innocent on this godforsaken planet.

“You know, I killed my dad.” He wasn't sure why he said it, but he did. Maybe it was his attempt to comfort Monty, maybe it was because he couldn't stand the silence any longer, he didn't know, but he had said it all the same.

“That why you were locked up?”

“No.” He was locked up because he'd been pissed off and made a stupid decision because his mom had been particularly nasty that day and if it wasn't for that fucking officer his father would still be alive to stop her from smacking him around and goddammit they couldn't just kill people for wanting to keep their fucking kids alive, what kind of bullshit was that?

Murphy took a breath, quelling the anger that had risen up inside of him. He didn't need to get angry now, the only other person around was Monty and he didn't want to take it out on the kid, not after how nice he'd always been to him in the Skybox. He was surprised at how civil Monty was to him tonight, though, and how civil everyone had been to him since their return. No one had glared at him or treated him like he was dirt. “Is there a reason everyone seems to have forgotten all the shit I did before leaving? Did Alie really screw with them that badly?”

“It's because they think you're a hero. You helped save them from Alie.” Monty informs him, standing up and stretching, “And nothing you did before matters now that think you're a good guy.”

“But I've got so much blood on my hands, Monty.” He honestly didn't get it. He was a murderer and he wasn't even sorry. “And I don't regret it for a second.”

Monty laughs bitterly and shakes his head, “Who are they to judge? We've all got blood on our hands now.”

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so most chapters probs won't be coming this fast, but this didn't take much time to write.
> 
> Also, I forgot to mention; the title is from the song North by Sleeping At Last and it rly fits the story (well, it will eventually).
> 
> Sorry about all the angst, then next one will be a little better.
> 
> Warnings for this chapter include: Victim blaming (by himself), descriptions of rape (nothing too in-depth, tho), and denial.

Murphy took a deep breath, raising his fist to knock on the door in front of him. He'd successfully avoided Bellamy for the whole day out of fear that he'd ask questions Murphy wasn't ready to answer but by now he'd worked up the nerve, he'd decided he needed to go back, apologize for running off like that, and see if there was any part of their relationship he could salvage.

He loved Bellamy, he really did, but he wasn't sure how to even begin to explain why he'd left, and he knew that Bellamy would just think he was being stupid and childish because he was. What kind of person ran off from their boyfriend in the middle of sex? But even if Bellamy was angry with him he had to apologize, he didn't want to go back to how they had been before he'd left, dodging each other because they were so scared of fucking up what they might have that they destroyed any chance of pursuing it.

He let his fist fall, knocking on the door twice and hoping that Bellamy was there because it had taken a lot of courage to get this far and he was sure if he wasn't able to do it now he never would. He had to swallow his damn pride and apologize and hope that Bellamy would forgive him without asking any questions he couldn't answer, because he didn't know why he'd run off. He didn't know why he'd freaked out, and he didn't want to think about it for too long, either. It was simple, sex with Bellamy was something he'd done several times before, but now it was terrifying and he'd panicked and he just hoped Bellamy would forgive him.

The door slid open, revealing a half dressed Bellamy staring at him in surprise and relief. “Murphy?”

“Hey,” Murphy forced a smile. “Can I come in?”

Bellamy nodded, moving away from the door so Murphy could enter. “Murphy, what-”

“I'm sorry!” Murphy blurted, cutting off whatever Bellamy was about to say. “I'm sorry I ran off, I don't know what got into me, but I'm sorry.” There, he'd apologized, either Bellamy would forgive him or kick him out, but whichever it was, at least the hard part was over.

Bellamy stared at him, his expression unreadable for a moment before telling him, “I looked for you for hours, Murphy. I thought something was wrong, that I hurt you. I thought that... That you were going to leave again.”

He'd searched through damn near all of the station, looking for Murphy but after he'd checked with the guards and confirmed no one had left the gates, he'd went to bed, figuring Murphy would show up later with some grand explanation for whatever the hell had gotten into him. It wasn't that Bellamy was angry, he wasn't, he was scared. He'd lost too many people already and Murphy just taking off like that, right after he'd got him back, it terrified him. He didn't know what happened between the last time he'd seen Murphy and now, but he'd never seen the boy that scared before, not even when he'd come back after the Grounders had tortured him.

“I'm sorry, Bellamy.” It was all he could say. He couldn't offer an explanation, he couldn't tell Bellamy it wouldn't happen again, he couldn't even assure him he wouldn't leave again. Maybe he should, maybe he should leave and let Bellamy get on with his life, without him freaking out and messing everything up constantly.

“Will you tell me what happened?”

“I don't know.” He had tried not to think about the cause of his actions because every time he did he saw her face, leering at him like he was her prey and she'd only been toying with him by letting him run as far as he had.

Bellamy nodded, looking at the floor for a moment, wondering if it was his fault, “Did I hurt you?”

“No!” Murphy shook his head, moving closer to Bellamy. “No, you didn't hurt me. It wasn't you.” It was his fault, he shouldn't have freaked out. He should have made himself calm down but instead he'd ran.

“Are you alright?”

“I am now.” He assumed he was, anyway. He'd made it through the day at least, so that was something. Maybe it was a one off thing. Maybe it was just nerves and he'd panicked because it had been so long and- And he didn't have any idea why he'd freaked out, but he hoped he would be fine now.

“Okay.”

“Okay?” That was it? No shouting? No demanding an answer? Just 'okay?' It was a relief, but it made Murphy worry that Bellamy was done with him, that he'd finally decided that Murphy wasn't worth the trouble and was going to cut his losses and break up with him. “are you angry with me?” He should be, at least, Murphy thought he should be.

“No, I'm not angry,” Bellamy shook his head, closing the distance between them and holding out his arms, waiting for permission to touch Murphy. “I'm just glad you came back.”

Murphy nodded and let Bellamy wrap his arms around him, relaxing into the older man, his insecurities melting away. Bellamy didn't hate him, he wasn't angry he just wanted to know what was wrong. Murphy would have liked to know, too, but he was scared to find out. He knew if he thought about it long enough, but he was doing his best to deny it. Denial was easier than facing it. “I'm sorry.”

“It's okay. I don't know what you went through out there, but I'm just glad I've got you now. If you ran because you were scared of me-”

“No, I didn't. I just panicked. I'm sorry. I wish I could explain better but-” _But I don't want you to look at me like I'm broken, like I'm disgusting. Like I betrayed you._ He pressed his face into Bellamy's shoulder hating himself for not being able to properly explain what had happened last night.

“It's alright. If you don't want to talk about it, you don't have to. Just know that I'm here whenever you're ready, okay?”

Murphy nodded choking back tears. He didn't deserve someone like Bellamy. Bellamy who held him and comforted him even though he didn't know why he was upset. Bellamy who wasn't angry at him even though Murphy knew if their positions were reversed he would have been. Murphy was messed up and broken and Bellamy just accepted him. He wished he could explain himself and tell Bellamy it would never happen again but he couldn't, he couldn't do anything but fight off the tears as he let Bellamy hold him.

“Do you want to go to sleep now?”

“Yeah.” That would be nice. Maybe he'd do better after a night of rest, maybe it was just stress and sleep deprivation that was his problem and come morning he'd be safe.

He shed his shirt and boots before crawling into bed with Bellamy and curling up against him. Maybe he could do this. Maybe he'd be alright. It was just stress, he'd be fine come morning. It was a one time thing. He had Bellamy, he was safe. He'd be okay.

 

He was wrong.

 

Murphy woke from the nightmare gasping for air. Somehow his sleep had distorted events so the collar became a noose as the Commander leered at him, threatening him, forcing him to his knees, calling him her pet forcing him to please her while he begged to breathe. Sleep had distorted her image until she became a demon, as twisted on the outside as she was on the inside and he was helpless, his wrists bound and his clothing shredded, he could do nothing to stop her except beg and plead for it to end, for her just to kill him already.

He clawed at his neck, trying to rid himself of the collar but he could still feel it, he could still feel the cold metal of it locking him in place, keeping him chained to her bed.

“Murphy! Murphy stop it!” He heard someone's voice but it sounded far off, like he was underwater and then he felt hands pulling at his arms, stopping him from trying to get the collar off. “Murphy, you're hurting yourself, stop it!”

“Let me go!” He yelled, trying to free his hands but whoever had a hold of him only tightened their grip. “Leave me alone! Ontari, stop it!”

“Ontari? Murphy, it's me, it's Bellamy.”

“Bellamy? Bellamy get it off me!” Bellamy could help him, he could get the collar off, he could make it to where Murphy could breath again.

“Get what off? Murphy, you're not making any sense, open your eyes, come on, wake up!”

Murphy forced his eyes open, the room coming into focus, his hands stilling as the feeling of being strangled faded. Bellamy was next to him, holding his wrists, looking terrified. “Bell?”

“Murphy, what happened?” Bellamy asked, letting go of Murphy's hands, watching as he sat up. “What the hell happened to you?”

Murphy couldn't answer, he just sat there shaking until Bellamy pulled him into his arms, holding him close as Murphy gasped for breath. He couldn't make sense of anything but slowly the dream faded, leaving Murphy a terrified, shaking mess. “Bellamy...”

“Shh, I've got you, it's okay.” Bellamy was used to dealing with Murphy having nightmares, he'd had them since the Grounders had tortured him but this, this was so much worse, he'd never seen Murphy freak out like he had. “You're okay.”

Murphy believed him. He knew he was safe now, but it didn't change the dream. It didn't change what had happened. He thought it was over, that he was safe but he wasn't. It wasn't going away with a little sleep. He was no stranger to nightmares, but he didn't understand why it was so bad,this one was one of the worst he'd ever had. Maybe it was just the stress and the panic of yesterday, but it was more than he could handle.

He sat there until he'd calmed down enough to try and talk. He had to tell Bellamy, he had to explain, he owed him that much. He had to explain why he was so messed up, not that he wasn't messed up before, but now it was so much worse. First last night and now this, he had to tell someone. As much as he hated it, he needed help, needed someone to tell him he wasn't going crazy. He needed Bellamy, he just hoped Bellamy wouldn't hate him after finding out.

“Bellamy?” He asked, his voice a little shaky.

“Yeah, Murph?”

“I've got to tell you something and I know you're going to get mad at me, but I'm sorry and I didn't want her to, but she did and I'm so sorry.” He had told her there was someone else, but she hadn't cared, it didn't matter to her, but Murphy still couldn't shake the feeling that he'd betrayed Bellamy.

“Who did what, Murphy?” Bellamy asked him, pulling back a little so he could look at Murphy. He looked terrified, like he still wasn't sure he was safe, like at any moment whatever had been hurting him in his dream was going to appear and begin again. Bellamy hated it, he hated seeing Murphy like this, like he was a scared kid instead of the overconfident jackass that he'd once been. It was heartbreaking to see him shrink in on himself, he looked so small and fragile and now he was scared Bellamy was going to get angry at him but there was no way that was going to happen. “I'm not going to be angry at you. You can tell me anything.”

“Yes you will.” Murphy was sure he would after all, Murphy had betrayed him and no matter how much he tried to convince himself that it didn't count because they were separated for so long, he didn't believe it. He knew Bellamy had a girlfriend while he was gone, Monty had told him a bit about her, but that was different, because he had been the one to leave Bellamy so Bellamy had a right, but it still felt like cheating, what he'd done.

He took a breath and steeled himself, knowing that he had to tell Bellamy, as much as he hated to admit it. “I slept with the Commander, with Ontari. I didn't want to, but I had to or she would have killed me and I'm so sorry, Bellamy,” He told him, the words pouring out of him as he told Bellamy all the things she did, all the things she made him do and what happened when he'd said no and resisted and how he only did it to survive and how he was so sorry for it. He ended his speech with, “And I get it if you want to leave me now.” Because why wouldn't Bellamy want to leave him? He was disgusting and he'd betrayed the man he loved and now he couldn't even sleep because of it.

Bellamy had remained silent until Murphy finished, not wanting to interrupt him but now that he was done Bellamy needed to process what Murphy had just told him. The Commander had forced him into her bed and Murphy was the one who thought he did something wrong. It took all of Bellamy's willpower to shove down the anger building in his chest, anger wasn't what Murphy needed right now. It took him a moment, but he finally found his voice, “Murphy... Murphy, that's rape.”

He refused it the second he heard the word. It couldn't be, that wasn't what it was. It wasn't right, but it wasn't... I wasn't _rape_. He pulled back, looking at Bellamy, half angry, half disgusted, “No, I got off, Bellamy. I only struggled once and after that I just accepted it and I didn't fight her. I didn't fight it, I just let it happen. It was my fault, it wasn't rape.”

Bellamy just shook his head and asked, “Did you say no?”

“Only the first time-”

“And she threatened your life? She hurt you when you struggled?”

“Yes, but Bell-”

“Murphy, that's rape. You were raped. It wasn't your fault. You did what you had to to survive but she raped you.” It wasn't Murphy's fault and the fact that Murphy believed he was to blame killed him. He couldn't believe that something so vile and horrific had happened to Murphy, that Murphy had gone through that and he still thought Bellamy was going to be angry with him because of it. He was glad Ontari was dead but he also wished she were still alive so he could kill her himself.

“I can't have- That's not true.” Murphy shook his head violently, the idea sending panic racing through his veins. “I got off, it wasn't- It can't be rape, Bellamy.” He needed it not to be. He needed to hang onto the one thing that hadn't happened to him in his shitfest of a life. He had to hold onto the one thing this stupid fucking planet hadn't taken from him. But no, no he couldn't even have that.

“It was,” Bellamy told him, his heart breaking for the boy in his arms. It was and there was nothing he could do about it. He wasn't there to help Murphy, he should have made him stay or gone with him or something. He couldn't stand the idea of Murphy being hurt any more than he already had been. “I'm so sorry.”

Murphy took a shallow breath, tears stinging the backs of his eyes, “She raped me.”

That was more than he could take. He'd had everything taken from him. He was barely eighteen years old and he couldn't think of a single thing that hadn't been taken from him except for that and now, now he didn't even have that to hold onto.

He grabbed a hold of Bellamy and buried his face in his shoulder as he broke.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is basically just fluff and light hearted stuffs bc I feel rly bad abt how angsty this story is and will continue to be. Sry it's short.

Bellamy laughed, shaking his head at Miller's joke and taking another bite of his stew. He heard Murphy scoff quietly beside him, the closest to a laugh they were going to get from him. He nudged Murphy's foot with his own, looking at the boy and giving him a lopsided grin. The last nights events had shaken them both but it was nice to be reminded that thing weren't all bad.

It had taken some convincing but Bellamy had managed to get Murphy to agree to eat with their friends- “Yes, Murphy, _our_ friends. At least, they could be, if you actually made an effort.” -but it had been worth it. So far Murphy had kept his sarcasm to a minimum, though he hadn't made much effort to participate in the conversation. He had eaten quietly and now switched between scoffing at the groups attempts at humor and flicking berries at Emori who sat alone at a table across from them. Bellamy had told Murphy to invite her over, but she had declined, choosing to sit by herself instead.

She had come back with them, no, with Murphy, and she'd made it clear he was the only one she was interested in, well, him and Raven. He wasn't sure what she was doing with Raven but that seemed to be where she spent most of her days. As long as she wasn't causing trouble, Bellamy didn't care. He tried not to think of her at all.

Murphy had introduced her as his best friend and it had made Bellamy a little bit jealous, knowing the two had been out on their own together for so long. He wasn't used to sharing Murphy, but now he had to. But he had to admit, he was grateful to her, as well. Whatever shit Murphy had gone through out there, Bellamy was pretty sure Emori was part of the reason why he made it back. He'd thank her, if she ever stopped staring at him like she wanted to eat him.

Bellamy was pulled from his thoughts when he felt something hit his forehead. He followed the berry as it dropped to the table in front of him. “Earth to Bellamy,” Murphy spoke, aiming another berry at him, “You're staring at me, it's kind of creepy.”

“Sorry,” Bellamy muttered, looking away, feeling his cheeks heat up. He hadn't meant to stare, he'd just gotten lost in his thoughts and-

A second berry bounced off his head, and he heard Monty snicker. “Nice aim.”

Bellamy huffed, picking the berry up and tossing it back at Murphy.

Murphy ducked, causing the berry to hit Monty in the face, “Hey! I didn't do anything to you!” He yelped, flicking a berry back at Bellamy, missing completely.

Bellamy didn't even bother apologizing, simply rolling his eyes and going back to his food, smiling down at it.

They were down a few, with Monroe gone and all the others they had lost along the way, but Bryan was there, leaning on Miller's shoulder and looking a little too pleased by the berry war unfolding in front of him, and that made the hole seem a little less gaping. They weren't the same group they'd once been, they were a little harder now, with more scars and sharper edges, but they were still here, they were still alive, and that was something. They'd changed, but hopefully for the better.

Miller was a little easier going, letting his comments fly more often now that Bryan was here. Harper had grown so much since they'd first landed and Bellamy was a little too proud of how quickly she'd turned against Pike, and him, because she didn't believe in it. Monty had changed the most, he thought. No longer was he the easy going kid he'd once been. He was battle hardened and it showed. His humor was darker, which was probably why he got along with Murphy so easily now, and the sunny air he'd once had was darkened around the edges, like the sky before a storm. He carried a gun, too, which should have disturbed Bellamy more, but he only felt relief at knowing the kid could protect himself. They couldn't bear to lose another one now.

Murphy had changed, too. He was less withdrawn now, more easy going. He didn't snap at people as much, didn't glare at everyone who dared breathe next to him. He'd grown up, grown into himself, and he'd let a little bit of his anger go. His journey must have really changed him.

Bellamy wondered if he'd changed, too. He probably had, but he didn't really notice it. He wondered what his changes looked like to someone who had known him back when they'd first landed. Nothing good, he was sure.

“So, since I no longer need Murphy's help, does somebody want to take him off my hands?” Monty asked the group. He'd needed Murphy's help on a couple of projects, but now that he'd fixed the radio, he didn't need his help and felt a little bad for just dropping him.

“I could use some help in the infirmary,” Clarke spoke up. “Nothing major goes on right now, but we've got some virus going around and we could use a pair of hands. Interested?”

“Don't know how much help I'd be.” Murphy shrugged. He didn't have any training like Clarke, but he had helped her once before, back when he'd returned from the Grounders torture. He'd enjoyed it, it had made him feel useful, even if he'd only been doing it to get revenge on the people who had hung him. “Not sure I'm qualified.”

“You stuck your hand inside someone's chest, I think you can skip the qualifications.”

“Fair point.” He hadn't enjoyed holding Ontari's heart in his hand, but it hadn't bothered him half as much as it probably should have. Hell, he was still kind of stunned she'd even had one to begin with. “When do I start?”

“Tomorrow, you can start whenever Bellamy starts his guard shift. Wouldn't wanna separate you too any sooner than we have to,” Clarke joked, smiling at him. It felt weird, having people actually want him around, but he wasn't going to say anything, he was a little afraid that if he pointed it out, they'd all notice and realize how weird it was and go back to treating him like the killer he was.

It took a while, probably longer than they were allowed, but they all finally left the table, heading back to their jobs and leaving Bellamy and Murphy alone. They walked, Bellamy's arm around Murphy's waist, through the camp. Bellamy was technically still on shift, but he figured he could get away with being with Murphy as long as he was still keeping an eye on the Arkers. He wasn't guarding the fence or the gates today, so he could pretty much do as he pleased.

“You think I'll be useful in the infirmary?” Murphy asked, leaning into Bellamy. He was a little worried he wouldn't be of much help. He wasn't used to worrying about being useful and he really couldn't say he liked it, either. He'd much rather not care at all, but something made him want to be good this time, to fit so he wouldn't end up leaving again.

“Of course you will. If you can perform heart surgery in the middle of a battle against an evil AI and her hive mind army, then I think you can handle a case of the sniffles.”

“I wouldn't call it open heart surgery.”

“Her heart was in your hand and you didn't freak out.”

“I was a little too scared to freak out, actually.”

“Well it worked. I think you'll do okay, and I mean, if not, you could always join the guard and we could get on the same shift and- Hey!” Bellamy cut off, having noticed a couple of Arkers fighting near the bar, or well, Murphy wasn't sure if that was really what they called it, but that was what it was.

Bellamy let go of Murphy and headed over, holding out his hands and breaking up the fight.

Murphy watched, not really paying attention to what was being said, instead focusing how Bellamy acted with such authority. He wasn't as gruff as he used to be, no longer angry and acting without regard for anyone other than his sister, instead he was commanding but compassionate. Gone was the rebel Murphy had fallen in love with so long ago, in his place stood a leader, someone these people trusted, they weren't just blindly following him anymore. They knew him, they trusted him, they loved him. Murphy loved him, too. He'd changed a lot since he'd last seen him, but it was for the better. There was no doubt Murphy would have followed him to the ends of the Earth before, but now, he didn't doubt everyone else would as well.

Murphy smiled to himself as Bellamy came back, the scuffle sorted.

“What?” Bellamy asked, not knowing what had Murphy so happy. A couple of idiots punching each other over a misunderstanding was not his idea of fun.

“They listen to you.”

“I suppose they have to. I am a guard, after all.” Bellamy shrugged as they moved on.

“No, they have to listen to Kane, they had to listen to Pike, you, you they listen to because they want to.” Bellamy had really changed since he'd left. Murphy wasn't sure he wouldn't miss the rebel king, but he was glad Bellamy had become the man he was. He was stronger now, better, kinder, he'd become someone worth following. This wasn't a game anymore, they weren't just kids playing around, it was real, and it had changed them all, but in this instance, at least, it was for the better.

Bellamy just shrugged, taking a hold of Murphy's hand as they walked. He wasn't sure he liked the idea of people listening to him, he seemed to keep fucking things up, but if Murphy thought so, he wasn't going to say anything. He liked the way Murphy had looked at him, it made him feel important, loved. He decided he didn't mind people looking up to him as long as Murphy kept looking at him like that.

Murphy couldn't fight the smile on his face as he looked at their joined hands. There was once a time when they never would have dared hold hands or show any sign of affection towards each other in front of others, but that was a long time ago. Things had changed and after all they'd been through, hiding how they felt about each other just felt wrong. There was a lot they needed to work through, but for now, for a moment, they were okay.

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not too happy w/how this turned out, but it's the first time I've tried to write Bell's emotions. The next chapter will be more angst and sadness, too.
> 
> Chapter Warnings: Brief self-harm-ishness, Self hatred of the Bellamy variety, broken bones.

Bellamy smiled to himself as he turned away from the infirmary, Murphy's kiss a phantom on his cheek as he headed towards his own job. They had worked through a lot in the past week. It wasn't easy, but they had made it work. Whenever Murphy woke from a nightmare, Bellamy was there beside him, calming him down and bringing him back to Earth. He still hated what had happened, but Murphy seemed to be working through it.

Working at the infirmary helped him. That's where he was while Bellamy was on shift. He didn't worry much about Murphy because Clarke was with him and he trusted her to keep him out of trouble. It was nice, listening to Murphy talk about all the things he had done during the day after they got back to their room. It was nice knowing Murphy was adjusting to stability. Bellamy just wished he could do the same.

Bellamy felt out of place not fighting a war. Ever since they had landed there was someone to fight, some enemy out to get them, and he wasn't sure how to adjust to not fighting. He was glad they had peace, glad to see his people thriving and safe, but he was wary it wouldn't last.

Often he caught himself scanning the trees, his eyes searching for any sign of an impending attack. It was almost too good to be true, not having to watch his back every minute of every day. Still, he flinched, his hands finding his gun at his side every time he heard a child scream out, playing with their friends. Every time his radio crackled to life, he knew it was going to be a warning, that the Grounders had gathered and were approaching or that they'd made it through the gates and were on them. He fought to keep his hand at his side, panic rising. They had taken his rifle, since he no longer needed to carry it, but they could pry his handgun from his cold, dead hands. He couldn't stand to be defenseless, not after so long, and he rarely dropped his guard because it felt wrong, like the peace was just a clever trap and at any moment they were going to be attacked. If everyone else wanted to believe they were safe, then fine, he wasn't going to rob them of that pleasure, but he didn't believe it would last. It couldn't, this planet was too cruel for that.

“Bellamy!” Miller called, walking towards him, a grin on his face. “You're late.”

“Good morning to you, too,” Bellamy snorted, shaking off his thoughts and falling into step beside Miller as they walked towards the gates where they were stationed today. “How's Bryan?”

Miller's grin seemed to widen at the mention of his boyfriend. “Good. He's already at his post.”

“So, I'm the last one here?” That was unusual, normally he was here first, but he'd had a late start this morning.

“Yep, but it's alright, we get it.” Miller clapped him on the back with a huff of laughter.

“Get what?” What was there to get? So he was a little late. There was a first time for everything.

“It's the honeymoon stage. You and Murphy. Bryan and I were like that when he first got here.”

“That's not-” Well, it was true, sort of. He was the one responsible for waking Murphy up so they could both get to work but this morning he'd let Murphy sleep in because it was the first night this week he hadn't had a nightmare and so Bellamy had spent at least half an hour watching him sleep. He felt a little creepy doing it but the smile Murphy had given him when he'd woke up and the gentle kiss he'd received had reassured him that Murphy hadn't really minded.

“Just don't make a habit of it,” Miller laughed, taking his place next to Bryan, resting his hand his boyfriend's lower back.

Bellamy rolled his eyes and took his place next to the gates, mentally preparing himself for the constant ribbing the day would hold for him. He honestly didn't know what he'd do without Miller. He was his best friend and his second in command, had been since they'd landed. He figured if anything should have been a tip off that he was doing the wrong thing it should have been that Miller hadn't followed him. But that was in the past and if he thought about it now he'd just get angry with himself. He didn't need to do that right now, it was best just to shove it down and deal with it when he was alone, when there weren't people relying on him to do his job.

 

-

 

Bellamy ran a hand through his hair as he walked towards the station, his shift over for the day. Not much had happened but he was exhausted and couldn't wait to get back to his room and curl up with a book and Murphy by his side. There was still an hour or so to go before supper time, so he could at least rest a little bit before having to do anything else.

He had just reached the wall of the station when he saw her headed towards him and he felt hope swell in his chest. Octavia had been ignoring him ever since they'd gotten back but it seemed she'd finally come around and was now going to talk to him. He held up a hand in greeting, a smile on his face, “O!”

She didn't look up, didn't look at him.

Maybe she hadn't heard him. “Hey, Octavia!” Things were finally falling into place for him and it would be nice if Octavia would at least acknowledge his existence. He knew he had screwed up, but she was his sister, they were _family,_ they'd figure it out. “Octavia!”

She brushed past him, not even looking at him, her shoulder bumping into his and turning him, his boots sliding on the dirt.

“Octavia?” He furrowed his brows, not understanding. He reached out, grabbing her wrist, stopping her, “Octavia, look-”

“ _Killer.”_ She hissed through gritted teeth, jerking her wrist away and stalking off, leaving Bellamy to stare after her, feeling like the ground was falling from under his feet.

He stared after her until he could no longer see her and then he stared into nothing, not sure how to proceed. She was right, he knew that, he had killed so many people. He'd killed the hundreds of people on the Ark when he'd thrown Raven's radio away and then he'd helped Clarke pull the lever, irradiating Mt. Weather and all it's inhabitants, even the ones that had helped them and then he'd killed the Grounders, an entire army of them, only sparing Indra because he couldn't bear to take her life because of how it would hurt Octavia, but it hadn't mattered, because in her eyes he was responsible for Lincoln's death, too.

And wasn't he? He hadn't been able to stop Pike from executing him. He hadn't been able to save his friend's life. He was a killer, a murderer, and he didn't deserve Octavia's forgiveness. He should have been better. He should have done something, made different choices, he'd had his reasons but looking back now, they didn't matter, they weren't good enough. All that mattered was the consequences, all that mattered were the hundreds of lives he had taken. Hundreds, close to a thousand, maybe greater.

He didn't deserve her forgiveness, but he wanted it. He needed it. She was his sister and he knew he explain what he'd done if she would only listen to him. He could live with it if she would forgive him.

But she wouldn't. And she shouldn't, either. He hadn't done anything to deserve it. He hadn't gone to her, he hadn't tried to speak to her since they'd gotten back. He'd been too afraid, too much of a coward, afraid she'd react like she had.

He deserved it.

He should have been better. A better leader, a better man, a better friend, a better brother. He should have been _better._

But he wasn't.

He was still just a coward. Still just a murderer, a killer. That was all he was. He could still feel the kick of his rifle, he could still feel the warmth of the blood on his face and the anger that had flowed through his veins.

He didn't deserve forgiveness. He hadn't earned it. He never could.

He clenched his fist, the backs of his eyes stinging, his nails digging into his skin. He didn't deserve her forgiveness. He deserved to be punished for his crimes and yet he was still a free man. Lincoln was dead, his _friend_ was _dead_ and his sister was never going to forgive him and that was good because he didn't fucking deserve it.

He couldn't stop the anger that rose in his chest, burning his lungs, strangling him as he raised his fist, punching the metal wall beside him hard enough to dent it. He did it again and again, pain blossoming across his knuckles but he didn't stop, didn't care about the stares he was receiving. He hated this, hated himself and the things he had done. If he'd only made better choices, if he'd only done the right thing, but he wasn't even sure what that was anymore.

He felt his bones breaking, but he didn't stop, hitting the wall until the pain was almost unbearable. There. That was better. He could breathe, he could think clearer. His anger died down, the pain in his hand driving it away. He'd have to deal with it later, but for now he was content to let it throb as he walked back to his room.

“Murphy, you in here?” Bellamy asked as he opened the door to their room.

“Yeah,” the boy confirmed, rolling off the bed and standing up, giving Bellamy a smile that faded quickly once he saw the older man's face. “You okay, Bell?”

“'M fine,” Bellamy sighed, sitting down at the end of the bed and forcing a smile, “How was your day?”

“You sure? And it was terrible, some guy puked on me.” Murphy gestured to his wet hair, showing Bellamy that he'd showered not too long ago. “Rough day or something?”

“Or something,” Bellamy brushed it off, reaching out with his unhurt hand to pull Murphy over to him. “But it's nothing important. Come here.”

Murphy settled himself on Bellamy's lap, frowning but not pushing the issue. Bellamy would talk when he was ready and any attempt to get him to open up before hand would be met with a brick wall of stubbornness. “Alright, but I'm here when you wanna talk.”

“Don't wanna talk.” Bellamy tugged at Murphy, pulling him closer.

Murphy rolled his eyes but leaned in to give Bellamy a kiss, glad he was back. He was late, but Murphy wasn't going to pry. If it was something really important, Bellamy would tell him. Or he wouldn't, but there was nothing Murphy could do about it.

They kissed for a moment, softly, neither one wanting to make anything more of it than what it was until Bellamy pulled away, bringing his hand up to brush a strand of hair out of Murphy's face, the action sending a spike of pain down his wrist. He winced and in seconds, Murphy's hands were on his, pulling it down so he could look at it.

“Did you get hurt?”

Bellamy shrugged, just wanting to continue kissing Murphy and not talk about it because he wasn't sure he'd be able to keep his composure if he did. He'd start talking and then never stop and Murphy didn't need to deal with that on top of everything he was going through. Bellamy could deal with it on his own. “It's nothing. Just some pain, I can deal with it, it'll be fine in the morning, I'm sure. I'm just an idiot, is all.”

Murphy frowned but let go of his hand, “If you say so. Come on, let's go get some food.”

“Lead the way.” Bellamy smiled, glad to have avoided the conversation for now. He was pretty sure it wouldn't be fine in the morning, but he could deal with that when morning came. Maybe by then he'd have thought of a good excuse. The last thing he needed was for Murphy to think he couldn't control his damn temper.

 

-

 

“It's purple.”

“I can see that.”

“It shouldn't be purple.”

“That's a reasonable assumption.”

“Come on, I'm taking you to the infirmary.” Murphy ordered, dropping Bellamy's hand and leaving the room, expecting to be followed.

Bellamy hesitated for a moment, considering how easy it would be to just duck out of the room and go the other way. He didn't _have_ to follow Murphy. He didn't have to go to the infirmary. He didn't even _want_ to. All they would do is bandage it up and make it so he couldn't move it and then he'd be useless. Well, he was useless now, seeing as it was his gun hand he'd fucked up, a lot of thought had clearly gone into that. Still, he didn't want to. He didn't want to think about why he didn't want to, because he was sure that would be a fun revelation, but regardless, he didn't want to do it and Murphy couldn't make him. Hell, he could duck out and avoid Murphy all day and then- And then what? Comeback tonight and explain to his boyfriend that the reason he wasn't letting him fix his hand was because he thought he deserved it? Because he thought that the pain was somehow going to help him atone for all the shit he'd done?

That would go over so well.

Bellamy shook his head and started out the door, not surprised when Murphy was waiting just outside, as if he'd expected Bellamy to be reluctant. “Took you long enough.”

Bellamy said nothing, merely following Murphy as they made their way to the infirmary. He felt like an idiot for punching the wall, because sure, it had helped at the time, but now he was going to be late for shift, not that he could do much else but watch the trees, since he'd broken his right hand, and Murphy had to take care of him and he was really just causing more problems because he had gotten upset.

Murphy headed straight for Clarke as soon as they were inside the infirmary and Bellamy groaned internally. Now someone else was going to have to bear witness to his stupidity. He watched them talk for a moment before Clarke gave Murphy a handful of supplies and pointed to an empty work space toward the back of the room. He got lucky, he wasn't going to have to explain his actions to Clarke. At least he had one thing going for him.

Bellamy had been in the infirmary a few times, but he never enjoyed it. He didn't hate it, exactly, but he didn't like it, either. The space was too cramped and always full of people moaning in pain and he'd never enjoyed being around sick people so the entire thing made him uncomfortable.

Murphy motioned for him to sit on the chair, setting the supplies on a tray next to it. Bellamy complied, wanting to get this over with as quickly and painlessly as possible. Maybe if he did what he was told, he'd get to avoid the inevitable questions for a while longer.

That strategy held until Murphy was half through splinting his hand. “So, you wanna tell me what happened or am I stuck with my imagination?”

“I punched a wall.” Bellamy admitted, figuring he was going to have to answer eventually, might as well not drag it out. “Repeatedly.”

Murphy raised an eyebrow at him, “I'm guessing it didn't hit you first?”

“I tried to talk to Octavia and she blew me off.” He told him, hoping the questions would stop but doubting they would.

“So you hit a wall.”

“She called me a killer.” Bellamy admitted, shifting slightly in his seat.

“How are you a killer?” Now, there was a lot of shit Murphy had missed, but Bellamy becoming a killer, that seemed like it would have been serious news, but so far no one had mentioned it.

Bellamy grit his teeth and looked at the floor, trying to figure out how best to proceed. He could just tell Murphy the truth, all of it, and hope he didn't look at him like Octavia did, but considering how his luck had been lately, he doubted he'd get what he wanted, or he could tell him as little as possible and just pretend the rest had never happened.

“Hey,” He felt Murphy's fingers on his cheek, tilting his head up so they were looking at each other, “You wanna let me in on what's going on?”

Bellamy nodded. He took a deep breath and slowly began to explain about Gina, how much he'd cared about her, and Farm Station and how they'd gotten so many people back but then the Grounders had killed them all, including Gina and how angry he was and how he'd listened to Pike and wanted so badly to avenge her death that he'd followed, blindly, thinking he was doing the right thing for his people, telling himself that's why because he didn't want to admit it was just because he was angry and looking for someone to blame. How he'd tried to stand up to Pike when he realized how far they'd gone but how it wasn't enough, how he was _afraid_ because he didn't want to be called a traitor, because he didn't want to die like one and he'd tried, he really had, to be good in the end but it wasn't enough.

How he'd killed an entire army of Grounders sent to _protect_ them, sent to _help._ How he'd turned his back on the things Pike was doing, helped him, and even turned his back on Miller and Kane and Harper and Octavia because he thought he was doing the right thing but he wasn't, god, he was so wrong, but it was too late to stop it. How he'd tried to stop it, he had, but he was too late and Lincoln was dead and Octavia blamed him and she was right to, he deserved it.

He was vaguely aware of Clarke shutting the curtain on them, which Bellamy was grateful for, and of Murphy holding his unhurt hand, rubbing circles into the back of it as the words poured out of him. He felt tears stinging the backs of his eyes but he refused to let them fall as he explained how he'd helped Clarke irradiate Mt. Weather and, “God, Murphy, there were _kids_ there, _children_.” And how he'd pulled the lever with her and how she probably wouldn't have done it alone and he could have stopped it, maybe, but he didn't know what other choice there was. He hadn't wanted to kill them all, but they'd had no choice.

He told him how he'd tried to do what was right but he'd gotten lost in the pain and the anger and he'd let it take over, let it control him and he ended up failing everybody. He'd failed his friends, his sister, his people. How he couldn't even enjoy the peace because he was always looking over his shoulder, expecting an attack to come from somewhere because nowhere was safe on this planet and nothing was peaceful and it was only a matter of time before something happened and they were fighting another war but he didn't want to fight anymore, he was done, but he couldn't let go of it no matter how much he wanted to.

“And I failed everyone, Murphy, I let them all down and yet they still look at me like I'm some kind of hero, like I'm not a monster. Octavia's right, I'm a killer, I should be locked up so I can't hurt anyone else.”

“No, you did what you thought was right, Bellamy-”

“But it was _wrong_ , I let everyone down, I failed them-”

“No, you didn't. You made an impossible choice, you did what you thought you had to to protect your people and when you realized you were wrong you tried to fix it. You tried.”

“I failed.”

“Did you? Everyone's safe, happy even. There's no war, nobody's fighting anybody. You haven't failed.”

“Lincoln is _dead._ ”

“And how many of our people have died at the hands of the Grounders? They aren't innocent in all of this, either. You made a choice, and it might not have been the right one, but you did it for your people and you tried, Bellamy. You've been fighting them longer than anyone else, you've seen what they're willing to do. You made a choice-”

“And it was the wrong one.”

“Maybe it was. But your people are still alive. You haven't failed anyone.”

“I failed Octavia.”

“She'll get over it. She's your sister, she'll forgive you eventually.”

Bellamy didn't believe it but he didn't want to argue about it, not now. He shouldn't have even told Murphy any of this, Murphy had enough to deal with and now he had to worry about him on top of it. “I'm sorry.” Murphy shouldn't be listening to him, he should be fixing wounds and healing himself, not fussing over Bellamy. “I shouldn't put this on you, you've got enough to worry about.”

“Don't be. It's okay. I can be here for you, too.” Murphy smiled at him, squeezing his hand, “That's how relationships are supposed to work. You don't always have to be the strong one, you know.” He could do that, too. He could be there for Bellamy, he wanted to be. Bellamy had done so much for him already, there was nothing he could do to pay that back. “We'll get through it together, Bell.”

They'll get through it together, like they'll get through everything else. He doesn't have to do it alone. Bellamy felt a little of the weight on his shoulders lift and he gripped Murphy's hand like a lifeline because he didn't know what to say. Thank you doesn't seem like nearly enough, so he just holds onto the boy in front of him, not saying anything, because there are no words for how much he loves him and how much he needs him right now but that's okay because Murphy looks at him like he understands and Bellamy smiles because Murphy's always been good at reading his mind.

“I love you.”

“Love you, too.” This was just another thing they'd have to work through. Now that there was no war they could focus on healing and maybe he could, now that he knew he wasn't alone. Maybe he could start to let go of the anger and the pain and the fear that had colored his world for so long. “God, Murphy, I love you.”

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so this got a little angstier than I expected, but suicidal!Bell is pretty much canon, so. Sorry, tho.
> 
> Chapter warnings: Self hatred, suicidal thoughts (not too much, tho, just Bell getting drunk and thinking he should die), drinking, sibling/domestic abuse.

Bellamy woke to incessant pounding on his door, the noise jerking him out of his dreams and back into reality. He groaned and pulled Murphy closer hoping that whoever it was would just go away. He wasn't ready to getup, he just wanted more sleep, more time to cuddle Murphy before his shift started.

“Bellamy, make it stop,” the younger whined, his voice heavy with sleep.

“You do it.” Bellamy didn't want to get up yet, it wasn't time to, he could tell. He had at least another hour left before he had to get ready for his shift.

“Can't, you're on top of me.” Not that he minded, he just couldn't move, therefore, couldn't answer the door.

“Sound logic,” Bellamy said, untangling himself from both Murphy and the blankets and making his way to the door. He opened it, glaring at whoever had woken him up so rudely, ready to start shouting, but he was cut off before he could even start.

“Octavia's leaving,” Miller informed him, the second the door was open.

“What?” Bellamy's brain was still foggy from sleep and he was having a hard time understanding what Miller was telling him. “Octavia's what?”

“She's going to Polis and I don't know when she'll be back.”

That was enough to shock Bellamy into moving. He grabbed for his shirt and pulled it on, Murphy blinking in confusion, pulling their blanket up to his chest and yawning as Miller entered the room.

“She's leaving right now?” Bellamy had one boot on, hastily tying it before reaching for the other one. “And no one's stopping her?”

“That's why I came to get you.” Miller had woken up early and had actually been planning on bringing Bryan breakfast and spending the morning with him, but as soon as he'd seen the group at the gates and learned what was going on, he'd rushed to Bellamy's room to get him up. “I don't think she plans to come back.”

“I'll talk to her,” Bellamy said, standing up and grabbing his guard jacket, putting it on as he left the room.

By that point, Murphy had woken up enough to reach for his shirt, muttering, “It's too early for this shit.”

Miller nodded in agreement, frowning at the thought of his ruined morning.

 

-

 

Bellamy stopped a few feet from Octavia, panting hard and trying to catch his breath while at the same time managing to get out, “Octavia, what's going on?”

“Going to Polis.” She told him, fastening the buckle to her saddlebag, not looking at him.

“You can't just go. O, come on, I know we aren't really on the best of terms right now, but you can't just up and leave.” It was like Clarke all over again. It seemed like just when he got somebody back, someone else left. He couldn't let Octavia leave, not with things the way they were.

She ignored him, checking that the saddle was secured, calling to one of the guards going with her and pretending like he wasn't even there.

“Octavia, please, you can't just leave. What if something happens?” What if she didn't come back and he never got a chance to make things right? What if one of them died and this was how they left things, with her hating him and him never getting a chance to get his sister back. “Come on, think about this.”

“I have.”

She couldn't just leave, she had to stay, to give him another chance at apologizing. He couldn't just let his little sister go off into the world with no guarantee she would ever come back to him, what the hell kind of brother would he be if he let her go? He'd promised to protect her and he couldn't if she just left. “Octavia, _please,_ just listen-”

“I'm going.”

“No, you have to stay, look, I'm sorry, alright?” He begged. He was sorry, he was sorry any of it had even happened and he needed her to know that. Even if he couldn't convince her to stay, he at least needed her to know. “Please, O, I'm sorry about Lincoln, I really am, but let's talk about this!”

A second later he felt the impact of her fist crashing into his face, pain blossoming from his nose, the snap of it breaking, warm blood pooling up and running out of it as he fell back, not having expected the punch or the force behind it. He landed on the ground, rocks digging into his hands as he tried to catch himself.

“Don't you dare say his name! Don't you fucking dare! If it wasn't for you he'd still be alive!” She shouted, glaring at him, anger flooding her veins.

She was right, he knew she was, but he didn't want her to leave, “Octavia, _please!_ ” They could talk about it, work it out properly if she'd just give him a chance, he knew they could.

She scowled down at him and he flinched, anticipating another blow but it didn't come, instead she continued shouting, “It's your fault! I wish you had died instead! I wish you had died instead of mom, Bellamy, because then they'd both still be alive!”

Bellamy sat there, watching as she mounted her horse and he knew, he knew she was right. He was so sorry, he knew and he wished he could have changed it and he didn't know how to fix it but he kept trying to explain even after she spurred her horse on, leaving the gates and the camp, dust choking him making him cough as he kept rambling, unable to stop because he had to be able to say something, anything, to make her come back, but she wasn't going to come back. She was gone and it was his fault, because if he had just made better choices, then this wouldn't have happened, none of it would have happened.

He watched as she left, feeling his heart break for what seemed like the millionth time since they'd landed.

His sister was gone. She was out there in the world alone and she didn't need him anymore. She didn't want him.

He wiped at his nose, his hand coming away bloody and logically, he knew he should do something about it, get up, find a rag, get himself cleaned up, but he just couldn't make himself do it. He couldn't make himself do anything other than stare at the gates as the rest of Octavia's group left, some of them throwing him pitying glances as they did.

He felt someone's hands on his shoulder, picking him up and helping him to his feet while someone else shoved a rag into his hand. He felt himself being pulled in the general direction of somewhere, somewhere that wasn't where Octavia was and he didn't want to go, so he pulled away, heading back to his room, hoping that he could restart the day and come back out and she'd still be there and it would have all been a bad dream, but it wasn't, he knew that. She was gone and there was nothing he could do about it.

“You need to go to the infirmary, Bellamy.” Murphy, the one who'd given him the rag, that was right. And it was Miller who'd stood him up, who'd yet to let go of his arm, like Bellamy might fall down again if he did, and honestly, he just might.

“No.” No, he didn't need to go back to the infirmary, he could deal with a bloody -no, broken, it was broken, he'd heard it snap- nose. He didn't need to make a spectacle of himself, no more than he'd already done, at least. He needed to suck it up and deal with it, he didn't want every one around him witnessing his breakdown, which he felt was coming, try as he might to shove it down because he needed to be strong, dammit, he didn't get to break down. He wasn't- He just didn't get to, it wasn't something he allowed himself to do, not now, not in front of everyone. He had to keep their respect, had to prove himself worthy of it, especially after everything he'd done.

Murphy didn't push, instead he took Bellamy's arm, nodding at Miller who finally let go and left them, walking beside him as they found their way back to their room. He could take care of Bellamy there just as easily. He honestly wanted nothing more than to chase after Octavia and punch _her_ in the face, but Bellamy needed him here and Bellamy came first. He would fix him and Octavia had better just stay far away from camp for the next couple of years.

Murphy gently lowered Bellamy onto the foot of the bed and took the rag, grabbing a canteen and pouring some water onto it so he could clean the blood from Bellamy's face before setting his nose. The blood seemed to have stopped for the most part, only a drop here and there coming out. “This might hurt a bit, but I need to get the blood off your face, okay?”

Bellamy didn't answer, he just sat there, staring past Murphy, thinking of how he fucked up and all the things he should have said to make her stay despite knowing none of it would have mattered.

Murphy gently wiped his face, getting rid of the blood, feeling guilty every time Bellamy winced. He couldn't believe Octavia, all Bellamy had done was what any sibling would have in that situation and she'd just hit him. Sure, there was some big fuss about Lincoln and his death, but that hadn't been Bellamy's fault. Bellamy had even tried to stop it, but no, Octavia hadn't let him help. It was just as much her fault for being a stubborn bitch as it was Bellamy's for accidentally backing the wrong guy and honestly, “She had no right to hit you.”

“Sure she did. I got Lincoln killed.”

“You did not,” Murphy refused to believe it was all Bellamy's fault. He'd heard the story from Bellamy himself and Bellamy had tried to stop it, it wasn't his fault.

“I did and now she's gone.” She was out there in the world and Bellamy couldn't protect her, he'd failed as a big brother and he told Murphy as much.

“She's a big girl, she's not your responsibility anymore, okay?” God, he wished Bellamy would just realize that Octavia had grown up and she didn't need a babysitter and thinking she did was only going to end up hurting Bellamy in the end. He was a great big brother, not that Murphy would know, but he was guessing based on Bellamy's general, well, everything, that he was, but he needed to let her go, if only until he got himself straightened out. “Just let her go.”

“I can't just- That's not how it works, Murphy.” He didn't want to get into it, it was a long explanation and he doubted Murphy would understand anyway. She was his sister, he was always going to want to protect her and he'd promised his mother that he would. When she left, he had as good as failed.

“That's exactly how it works. I mean, for fuck's sake, she hit you! How is that not, at the very least, a little fucked up?” He shook his head and took Bellamy's face in his hand, “This is going to hurt, but then your face will feel better, okay?”

“Go ahead,” Bellamy told him, bracing himself for the pain.

Murphy nodded and took a breath, mentally counting to three before snapping Bellamy's nose back into place, feeling terrible for causing him more pain.

“Fuck,” Bellamy swore, prodding his nose. Murphy was right, the pain had faded into nothing more than a dull ache, but it didn't change the fact that Octavia was still gone. That wasn't as easy of a fix. “Look, you just- It's just a sibling thing, okay? You wouldn't understand.”

“Oh, no, you're right. I wouldn't, please, enlighten me, Bellamy. Is it normal for siblings to break each other's faces?”

“No! Well, yeah, I guess. She just has a problem with controlling her temper, we both do. It's fine, though, because she's never hit me without me deserving it, so-”

“So it's not the first time she's hit you?” Murphy asked, stunned. He was pretty sure that wasn't how siblings were supposed to act. If it wasn't right for parents to do it, he was certain it wasn't okay for siblings to, either.

“Well, no, but-”

“But nothing! That's fucking _abuse,_ Bellamy!” Anytime someone who was supposed to love and protect you took to hitting you, it was abuse. One time could have been excused, maybe, well, Bellamy certainly seemed like he was willing to excuse it, at least, but not multiple times.

“No, it's-”

“No? Are you sure? I'm pretty sure I know what abuse is, Bellamy! Do you? Because being hit by your own fucking family is abuse!” Maybe Murphy was being a little less than sympathetic and he knew he should be a little calmer, but _Bellamy_ was being _abused_ , how was he supposed to respond to that? Of all the people that Murphy believed deserved a happy family, Bellamy was definitely at the top of the list and to know that he was being abused, it pissed Murphy off to no end. “What the hell happened? Does she hit you every time something goes wrong?”

Maybe Murphy had a point, but Bellamy didn't want to consider it. He didn't want to fight and he didn't want Murphy to be right and he was so scared because what if he was, “Nothing. Nothing happened. They didn't trust me, chained me up so I couldn't help them save Lincoln and he died. She was upset, understandably, and she hit me because it was my fault, that's not abuse, that's- That's-” Well, okay, he wasn't sure what it was, but it wasn't abuse, Murphy was just seeing things through a distorted perspective. Just because his family was fucked up didn't mean Bellamy's was. Besides, it was his fault Lincoln died, he deserved it.

“You were _chained up_? Bellamy, do you not realize how fucked up that is?” How could he not see it? It was the very definition of abuse.

Bellamy shook his head, not wanting to fight anymore. He didn't care if Murphy was right or not, because he deserved it. He deserved her anger and the hits because he'd gotten Lincoln killed. He deserved it and if Murphy didn't get that, fine. Octavia was his sister, his responsibility and now she was out there without him and god, what if she didn't need him anymore? That scared him more than anything, more than the possibility that Murphy was right and he knew it was fucked up, deep down he did, but he didn't care. “It doesn't matter. I need to talk to Kane about this, because someone has to keep her safe and-”

“Would you just forget about her for a second? She broke your fucking nose less than an hour ago and you're just, what? Just going to grab a horse and go after her? Something tells me she won't exactly appreciate the gesture.”

“So what do you expect me to do, Murphy?”

“Forget her and focus on yourself! When's the last time you did that?” Bellamy was so fucked up and honestly, a lot of it was Octavia's fault and Murphy was glad she was gone because maybe now Bellamy would actually take some time to help himself instead of worrying about what she thought of him all the time.

Bellamy didn't answer, not because he didn't want to, but because he honestly couldn't remember. He couldn't remember the last time he'd focused on himself, Octavia was always his priority from the day she was born, even when he was a kid. He didn't know how to focus on himself, his life literally revolved around hers and now she didn't need him and the thought scared him so much he refused to listen to Murphy, refused to concede that maybe he had a point because he couldn't. He couldn't be right. Octavia wasn't abusive, she loved him, she was just angry. They were family, they'd figure it out.

“See, you can't even answer me. Just admit that maybe your relationship isn't as healthy as it should be. Trust me, once you admit it, you can start to recover from it and-”

“You just don't fucking get it, okay?” Bellamy growled, standing up and brushing past Murphy, storming out to start his shift. Murphy wasn't right, he couldn't be right. Octavia wasn't abusive, she couldn't be. She was his _younger_ sister, it didn't work like that.

 

-

 

Bellamy spent his shift ignoring the concerned looks thrown his way by Miller and Bryan. He didn't need their pity, just like he didn't need Murphy's help. He could manage his own family by himself, he didn't need them sticking their noses into his business. He was just fine, dammit. So his nose still hurt a little bit, big deal. He'd had worse.

He just wanted them to stop looking at him like that, like he was a victim. He hated it. He wasn't. It was just a stupid sibling fight, it was normal, it was fine. He was fine.

Besides, even if he weren't, it didn't matter. He deserved it. He was a killer, after all. Killer's got hurt because they deserved it.

He ate alone, not wanting company, or more pitying looks. He didn't really want to eat and everything tasted like sawdust but he forced himself to, he needed to. He didn't want to get scolded by Murphy for not eating. Murphy would get all mother hen-like and give him a lecture about how he needed to eat because he needed his strength and he couldn't be a good guard if he was hungry and it would be cute but Bellamy would feel guilty and- No. No, he was mad at Murphy, because Murphy was wrong.

He spent the day sulking, refusing to let Murphy's words get to him because so fucking what? He deserved it and Murphy should just realize that already.

As soon as his shift ended, he found himself at the bar, surrounded by people drinking and laughing, jars of moonshine in front of them and he didn't usually drink, he was too busy most nights and had no need for it on the rest, but he figured today had been just shitty enough to warrant it and so he sat down at the bar, nodding at Jasper a few seats down and waited until someone placed a jar in front of him. He grunted his thanks and took a drink, hating the taste and the burn but figuring he wasn't really supposed to enjoy it.

It didn't take too long, two jars and an hour and a half for him to get drunk enough for his thoughts to run away from him, leading him down paths that grew ever darker the further he followed them.

Maybe Murphy was right and it was abuse, but why should he care? What did it matter? Octavia was still his sister, his family, and she was all the family he had. He couldn't change that. Even if it was abuse, did he not deserve it?

Of course he did.

He deserved it and more and he hated himself because Octavia was right. He was a killer. He deserved the abuse, he murdered so many people. He was a monster. He let his rage get the better of him and he had let it cloud his judgment and even though he'd thought he was doing the right thing he hadn't been. He had been wrong. He'd failed his people. It should have been him that died. He shouldn't have been such a fucking coward. He should have stood up to Pike and told him it wasn't right but he hadn't and by the time he'd tried to do something it had been too late.

He should have died instead of his mother, it had been his fault anyway. He'd been the one to let Octavia out. He'd thought he could protect her, give her something, but he'd been wrong. He was always wrong. He kept failing the people he loved and he should have died on the Arc instead of her, or when they'd landed, then he wouldn't have been able to screw everything up. He should have. Maybe then Lincoln would still be alive and yeah, Octavia would have been a little sad, but she would have moved on and things would be better for everyone involved.

He should have died.

He wished he had died.

Maybe he should die now. That would be good for everyone. He couldn't fuck up anymore. He couldn't kill anyone else. He couldn't fail anyone else.

Octavia hated him, his people were better off following Kane, who had always been on the right side, hadn't he? Something Bellamy couldn't do. The only person who really seemed to need him was Murphy, and eventually Bellamy would fail him, too. Eventually Murphy would realize how fucked up he was and leave him and really, that was for the best because Murphy deserved better, didn't he? Bellamy was just too selfish to let him go. He loved him, and he loved that Murphy loved him back, but one day he wouldn't and he would leave and Bellamy would be alone.

He should just get himself killed off before that happened. Everyone would be sad for a while but then they'd move on and Murphy would find someone better, maybe Emori, and he wouldn't have to worry about dealing with Bellamy and how fucked up he was. Yeah, that was a good plan. He should do that.

He drank until they cut him off and after arguing with the bartender to no avail, he left, stumbling towards his room in the dark. He vomited, twice he thought, maybe three times, before he had even made it to the station and by that time, he had nothing left in his stomach to throw up and the back of his throat burnt like fire and he wished he hadn't drank so much but it was just another mistake to add to an increasingly long list of absolutely amazing mistakes he had made over the course of his twenty four years of life, a list he was quite sure was longer than most people's. Good for him.

He was vaguely aware of Murphy helping him find the bed after he stumbled in. Murphy, Murphy was helping him, even after he'd yelled at him. Murphy was good, Murphy deserved better than him. He told him so but he only got a scoff in return.

Murphy helped him out of his clothes and cleaned him up, using a wet rag to clean the vomit from his skin without complaining and Bellamy felt bad, because he knew about Murphy's mom and he'd still gotten drunk and now Murphy was having to take care of him. He slurred and apology but still received no answer. Murphy must be mad at him. Maybe he'd leave him. He should.

“Come on, into bed,” Murphy coaxed, pulling back the blankets and furs.

Bellamy closed his eyes and sighed, telling Murphy, “She was right, you know. She was right and I deserved it, Murphy. If I hadn't screwed up, Lincoln would still be alive.”

“Hush. Come on, let's just go to sleep, Bellamy, you're not thinking straight.” Except he probably was, but Murphy would rather believe it was the alcohol talking and not Bellamy's self hatred.

“He shouldn't have died,” Bellamy continued, “Octavia's right. It should have been me. I should have died.”

“No, you shouldn't have. Just go to sleep, we'll talk about it in the morning, alright?” They were going to have a long talk in the morning.

Bellamy nodded and let Murphy help him lay down, the room spinning around him.

Murphy laid down next to him, pulling the blankets up around them and closing his eyes but before he could drift off he heard Bellamy speak again. The words were slurred, but Murphy heard them and they broke his heart.

“I want to die.”

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this one took so long, cats. I've been procrastinating.
> 
> Chapter Warnings: Discussions of suicidal thoughts, mentions of suicidal thoughts/suicidal inclinations.

Bellamy woke up alone with his head pounding and his mouth as dry as cotton. He could still taste vomit on his tongue and it made him gag. He was really paying for yesterday's mistakes.

Yesterday. The memories came pouring back as he sat up, the movement causing pain to shoot through his skull. He remembered Octavia punching him and leaving, leaving him alone like everyone eventually did when they found out he wasn't as good as he'd fooled them into believing. It was his fault, though, he remembered that, too. She was gone and then he'd fought with Murphy because Murphy had been right and he hadn't wanted to face it and he'd gotten drunk and now he was paying for it.

He took a deep breath and opened his eyes, looking around the empty room. Murphy wasn't there, not that Bellamy expected him to be, after all, he'd come home completely wasted last night, he wouldn't be a bit surprised if Murphy never wanted anything to do with him again. He knew how Murphy felt about drunk people and yet he hadn't thought about it at the time. Murphy probably hated him. That was the thought that kept circling his already aching head as he sat there in the dark waiting for the pain to subside enough so he could do something about the awful taste in his mouth.

Much to his surprise the door opened, revealing Murphy, who apparently hadn't done the smart thing and left Bellamy, yet. “Morning, Bell. You okay? I had hoped to get these and be back before you woke up.” He closed the door quietly and didn't turn on the light, which Bellamy was grateful for. He crossed the room and set something down on the nightstand before holding out a canteen and two little pills. He had told Abby they were for Bellamy's hand, the same excuse he'd given Kane when he'd spoke to him about getting Bellamy out of guard duty for the day.

Bellamy eyed the offered pills for a second before gently taking them and the canteen from Murphy. He was surprised Murphy was here, let alone taking care of him, but he wasn't going to tell him to stop. He didn't think he had it in him after everything. “Thanks,” he mumbled after swallowing the pills.

“And I brought you food, too.”

Bellamy groaned, he wasn't sure he could keep it down if he ate, his stomach churning at the thought. “Do I have to?”

Murphy picked up an apple from where he'd set it and held it out for Bellamy, “Yeah, you can't just take the pills on an empty stomach. Something about stomach acid and potentially painful consequences.” Abby had made it clear Bellamy couldn't just take them without food, and as bad as Murphy felt for Bellamy, he had to eat something, even if all he did was puke it up later. “Besides, I'm pretty sure you've got nothing in your stomach at all after last night.”

Bellamy nodded, accepting the apple. He stared at it, wishing it out of existence but when that failed he reluctantly took a bite. “I'm sorry,” he said after swallowing, “About last night. I shouldn't have-”

“It's fine,” Murphy shrugged it off. Bellamy had been through a lot, he deserved to get drunk after everything. Besides, he wasn't a violent drunk, he was just sad and a bit cuddly, it was fine. “I, uh, I talked to Kane. You don't have to work today.”

“Oh,” Bellamy said, not sure how to react. He was grateful he didn't have to do anything, but he felt bad for not being able to. That, and he wasn't sure he wanted Kane to know he'd gotten himself too wasted and ended up with a massive hangover. He didn't want to deal with the disappointment that would come from him. “What'd you tell him?”

“That your hand was bothering you really bad last night and it had kept you up until late so you hadn't gotten much sleep at all and would be useless as a guard.”

Bellamy snorted, “Thanks.”

“Sorry. I didn't mean it like that. I think he thinks I'm the reason you were up so late, if it means anything.”

“'S'fine,” Bellamy shrugged, finishing the apple. Kane could think what he wanted, as long as it wasn't the truth. Bellamy wasn't sure why he hated the idea of disappointing him so much, but he did. Honestly, Kane's disapproval had been one of the hardest parts about working with Pike, but Bellamy had really believed he was doing the right thing. Guess he wasn't as good of a leader as he tried to be.

Murphy took the core from him and walked over to the trash can, throwing it inside. Monty would be annoyed at him if he knew, since they were supposed to be composting that stuff, but he didn't feel like messing with it. He turned back to Bellamy, “You need to go shower now, okay?” He'd already taken Bellamy's clothes to be washed, they should be dry later that day. “Just be careful and try not to get the bandages too wet.”

Bellamy was pretty sure that would make showering a lot harder and he was tempted to ask Murphy to join him, if only so he could help him wash his hair, but he stopped himself, thinking now probably wasn't the time. He didn't want to make Murphy uncomfortable. “Okay.” He stood, the room spinning around him for a moment, the sudden movement leaving him dizzy and off balance, but Murphy's hands were on him almost immediately, steadying him.

“You alright?”

“Just stood up to fast, I'm fine,” Bellamy assured him, giving him a small smile. Even with everything that had happened yesterday, Murphy was still with him, still taking care of him and Bellamy couldn't put into words how much he loved him, even if he thought Murphy could, and should, do better.

He grabbed a change of clothes from the closet and got dressed, wondering why he bothered since he'd be taking them off in a few minutes anyway, but he didn't feel like walking to the showers in his boxers, so he pulled his shirt over his head, forgoing his boots since he wasn't going outside. After he was clothed he left to find the showers, leaving Murphy alone in their room.

Murphy took a deep breath as soon as the door closed and dropped down onto the bed, wondering exactly how best to go about what needed to be done. He needed to talk to Bellamy, about what had happened and apologize for yesterday, for the way he'd handled things, letting his anger at Octavia override his concern for Bellamy. And then he needed to talk to him about what he'd said before bed.

He wasn't sure what all Bellamy remembered from the night before, he'd been pretty drunk so it was possible he didn't remember much at all, but there was no way Murphy would ever forget them, or how sincere Bellamy had sounded. He couldn't wrap his head around it, it just didn't make sense. Except that it did, really, if he thought about it enough, he just didn't want it to. How could Bellamy Blake, the only reason half of them were even alive now, the one who'd saved their asses so many times and never even asked for a thank you in return, the man who had become one of the most compassionate leaders and pretty much the only authority figure Murphy respected, want to die? It just wasn't right. It wasn't _fair._ It wasn't fair he had to deal with that on top of everything else, but life wasn't fair and Bellamy wanted to die and god, it made Murphy's heart break just thinking about it.

He wondered how long Bellamy had felt like that, how long he'd had to deal with it alone. How many battles had he thrown himself into hoping he didn't come out the other end? How many times had he risked his life because he honestly didn't value it, didn't want it? Murphy couldn't bear the thought. How long had Bellamy felt like that? It wasn't the kind of thing that just hit you one day, it built up over time, and for all Murphy knew, Bellamy could very well have been suicidal way back when they were still at the dropship. No wonder he'd been so willing to tie his own damn noose back then and jump off a fucking cliff just to maybe save one person. All this time Murphy had thought it was just because he was noble, and while there was no doubt he was, the realization that it went beyond that was crushing. It was horrifying to think of and Murphy had to talk to him about it. He just wasn't sure how to.

What was he supposed to say to him? How was he supposed to bring it up without making Bellamy shy away and retreat into himself, or just run off altogether? He couldn't just bring it up with a 'Hey, so I hear you're suicidal, wanna talk about it?' That wasn't the way he should go about it, it was a delicate topic, and Murphy was terrible with delicate things, more often than not he broke them. He was like a bull in a china cabinet. But this time he had to handle it carefully and, for Bellamy's sake, he'd try his best to be gentle.

He sat there on the bed trying to find a way to talk to Bellamy without scaring him off until the older man returned. The second the door closed behind him Murphy patted the bed beside him. He waited until Bellamy had sat down before taking a deep breath, “Bell, we need to talk about yesterday.”

“I know.” He didn't want to talk, but he knew that they had to. He knew Murphy had been right, it was abuse, it wasn't right, but he also knew he was partially to blame for it. After all, he'd been with Pike, he may as well have pulled the trigger himself as far as Octavia was concerned. “Look, Murphy, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have run out like that.” Or gotten drunk, or been in league with Pike in the first place. Bellamy was just full of mistakes these days.

“I'm the one who needs to apologize. I should have handled it better. I let my anger at Octavia get in the way of me helping you and I shouldn't have. I wasn't supportive, I was angry, and I should have done more to help you. I'm sorry.” He should have been there for Bellamy, let him talk, instead he'd spoken over him and gotten angry like a child. Abuse was a hard thing to come to terms with, he shouldn't have shouted at Bellamy, shouldn't have been angry with him for wanting to deny it. He knew what it was like to have to deal with that particular realization, he knew how hard it was, he should have been more supportive.

“It's still might fault it even happened. I was the one who fucked up. It was my fault Octavia left. If I had just done something better, Murph, if I had made better choices or just listened to the people around me-” Bellamy cut himself off with a shake of his head. “I fucked it all up and there's no fixing it.”

“It's not your fault, Bellamy. Yeah, okay, you made a bad call, but you couldn't have predicted what would happen. You did what you thought was right and the second you realized what was going to happen you tried to stop it. You couldn't have known.”

“It doesn't matter. I fucked everything up and now she hates me.” She wished he had died and Bellamy couldn't help but agree. If he had been the one to die instead of Lincoln, if he had been the one to die instead of their mother, then none of this would have happened. It was his fault, he fucked up, and he deserved her hatred. He wished it had been him instead.

Bellamy felt tears stinging the backs of his eyes and he knew he was weak for it, for not being able to hold himself together like a good leader would, but he couldn't stop it. The tears spilled from his eyes and he shook, “I wish I'd have done something different. Something better. I wish I could take it back but I can't. I'm a monster. I killed people, Murphy, innocent people who were just trying to help but I was so angry and so scared. I just wanted to protect my people but I failed and now Kane doesn't trust me, my sister hates me, Lincoln's dead and Gina's not coming back. I fucked it all up and she's right, she's right. It should have been me. I should have died, Murphy, I should have been the one being executed but I was too scared to stand up to Pike, and every time I tried he just ignored me because I was too much of a coward to make him listen. I didn't know what to do, they wouldn't let me help Lincoln and he's dead now. If they'd floated me instead of our mother, then none of this would have happened. That's what should have happened. Everything would be so much better if I wasn't around to fuck it up.”

Murphy wasn't sure what to say to that. He didn't believe it was Bellamy's fault at all, it was Pike who had pulled the trigger, and if Octavia couldn't understand that, understand that Bellamy had _tried,_ then that was her problem. But Bellamy didn't see it like that. Bellamy hated himself for it and it was so unfair. Bellamy had made a bad call, every leader would at some point. He'd only thought he was protecting his people and while that didn't make his actions okay, it didn't mean he was a monster.

Murphy reached out and pulled Bellamy into his arms like Bellamy did for him every time he woke up screaming. He just wanted to hold him, to comfort him and help him realize that it wasn't his fault, that it wasn't okay what she was doing and that he didn't deserve to die, that he shouldn't have been the one to die. It tore him up that Bellamy of all people would ever think that about himself. Bellamy was shaking in his arms and Murphy only held on tighter. “It's okay, I've got you. It wasn't your fault, you didn't know.”

Bellamy wrapped his arms around Murphy and buried his head in his neck, feeling like he was coming apart at the seems. It felt so strange to be the one being comforted instead of the one doing the comforting. He'd convinced himself that that was his role, to be the protector, the comforter, the one who was there for everyone else, who kept everyone around him safe, he'd never let himself fall apart in front of someone, not this completely, and not since he'd admitted to Clarke that he felt like a monster for the things he'd done. It felt good to have someone hold him, letting him know they were there and that he could fall apart if he needed to, and he really needed to.

His baby sister was out in the woods by herself and she could die without him ever getting a chance to make things right and it was all his fault. He told Murphy as much but Murphy just told him it would be okay.

“She'll come back.”

“She won't. She hates me.”

“She'll grow up eventually and realize that you weren't to blame. It wasn't your fault.”

“I fucked up.”

“We've all fucked up, but Bellamy, she's got no right to hit you,” Let alone chain him up and hit him, which still enraged Murphy to no end, “That's abuse.”

“I deserve it,” Bellamy insisted. He had to. He'd done so much, that was his punishment. He'd hurt so many people, taken so many lives, so he lost his sister in return, it was his punishment and he deserved it.

“No. Nobody deserves that, no matter what. Abuse is wrong no matter what the situation leading up to it is.” He felt like he was quoting a textbook, and he may as well be. He'd had to learn on his own that it wasn't okay, had to talk with so many shrinks after getting locked up, it had never helped him, but if he could use what he'd learned from it to help Bellamy, then he supposed that would make it all worth it. “Nobody deserves it, Bellamy.” _Especially not you._

“But what am I supposed to do? She's my little sister.” Because Murphy was right, it was abuse, but Bellamy didn't have any idea how to handle it. He didn't know what to do about it. He was her older brother, it didn't make sense and he was a little ashamed to admit that he was being abused by his little sister. What kind of leader was he if he couldn't even sort out his own family? Not that he had family anymore, he supposed, she'd made it pretty clear he was as good a dead to her. “What should I do? Can I even fix this?”

He didn't know how to get her back or how to deal with the abuse. Would it continue when she returned, _if s_ he returned. He didn't know how to stop it or what to do about it. It wasn't his area of expertise. He was lost and alone and scared and the only thing keeping him together were Murphy's arms around him.

“I don't know, Bell. I wish I did. I'm sorry. The best I can tell you is to take the time she's away and try to heal from it. Just admitting will help. It's not okay and I'm so sorry, Bellamy.” It wasn't much in the way of advice, but it was all he had. He didn't know how to fix it, he wished he did, but he didn't and the only thing he could do was be there for Bellamy and do his damnedest to make sure it never happened again. If Octavia returned she wasn't going to get another chance to hurt Bellamy, not if Murphy could help it. “It's going to be okay.”

Bellamy pulled away, looking at Murphy, completely lost, “I just don't know how to fix this, Murphy. She's the only family I've got, without her I'm alone and-”

“Bullshit.” That was complete bullshit and he wouldn't stand for Bellamy thinking like that. With all the people that loved him, there was no way Bellamy was alone. “You've got family. Everyone loves you. Maybe it was rocky in the beginning, I'll admit that, but now? Now you've all of us. You've got Miller, don't tell me he doesn't think of you as a brother, and Monty, that kid looks up to you and would follow you into hell without you needing to ask, he's like an annoying little brother you'll never get rid of. There's Kane, he sees you as a son, he'd love you like one, if you'd let him. You've got Raven, Jasper, Harper, and you've got me. We're you're family, too, whether you like it or not, and not a damn one of us would ever abuse you like that. You're not alone, okay? You're not.” He couldn't stand Bellamy thinking he was alone. Everyone loved him, he was their leader, their hero, the guy they all looked up to and respected. Even if Octavia never came around, Bellamy still had them. “You are _not_ alone.”

Bellamy looked at him for a moment at a loss for words, tears making tracks down his face before pulling Murphy close, holding him tighter than he ever had. Murphy wasted no time in wrapping his arms around Bellamy, hugging him back. “We've got you, Bell.”

“But I let them all down Murphy. I fucked up, they probably hate me.”

“They do not. Look, you made a bad call, all leaders do at some point. You were trying to keep your people safe, they'll understand. Just give them a chance to forgive you, okay? If they haven't already.”

“Thank you,” was all Bellamy could manage, unable to say much else because he couldn't put into words how much it meant to him. Murphy was right, he did still have family. He just hoped Murphy was also right about them forgiving him.

Murphy held onto him until he pulled away, wiping the tears from his eyes. Murphy took a deep breath, knowing that as much as he wished it was, their conversation wasn't over yet. “Speaking of family, you know we all need you, right?”

“I guess? I mean, that's my role in all of this, right? Leader?” He wasn't sure what Murphy was getting at. He was pretty sure that everyone would be just fine without him. They were resourceful, he needed them far more than they needed him.

“Bellamy, that's not what I mean.”

“Then what do you mean?”

“I mean- Do you remember anything you said last night?”

Bellamy winced, remembering a bit of what he'd said about how Murphy could do better. He stood behind it, even know, but he doubted that was what Murphy was talking about. “Not really. Why? Did I say something stupid, because I'm sorry, I was drunk and I didn't mean it.”

Murphy bit his tongue. He could just let it go if he wanted, just leave it be and he wouldn't have to put Bellamy through the rest of the conversation. He wanted to, but he couldn't. It had to be confronted, before Bellamy actually did something stupid that he couldn't recover from. “You said- You told me- Bellamy, you said you wanted to die.”

Bellamy stared a him, his heart stopping. Oh. He'd said that. Out loud. To Murphy. _Oh._ He wasn't sure how to respond, this was definitely not a conversation he wanted to have. He didn't need to have it. “Look, Murphy, I was just drunk, it's nothing.”

“Bellamy.” He didn't believe that, Bellamy had sounded too sincere, it fit too well with his behavior. They needed to talk about it, because the thought of potentially losing Bellamy scared Murphy to death.

“Murphy, it's fine. I'm fine.” Really, he didn't want to get into this. It wasn't something he wanted to share, he didn't want Murphy looking at him like he was broken.

“You're not.”

Well, no, he wasn't, that much he supposed he could admit.

“How long have you felt like that?”

This was the part he could fake. He could lie and say it was recent and Murphy would think it was just a symptom of the abuse or because of his recent mistakes, but he didn't want to lie to Murphy, not after everything, and the words forced themselves from his throat. “Since a while after we landed. I killed so many people when I threw away that radio and I've only killed more since. I just- I deserve to pay for that, don't I?”

Murphy was stunned and it took him a second to reply, “No! God, Bellamy, of course not. You don't deserve to _die._ ”

“Murphy-” He cut himself off with a sigh. He didn't want to talk about this, It was stupid, he was stupid. It wasn't like he actively tried to kill himself, anyway. Well, okay, he took too many risks in combat, and there was that one time in Mt. Weather but- But he didn't need help. “Look, it's not like I'm going to stick a gun in my mouth, okay?” He'd never actually thought about it before. He could, he had one, but he didn't. He wouldn't. He didn't need to talk about it. He didn't need Murphy worrying about him over something so stupid. So, what? He took a few extra risks, big deal. He was fine. The last thing he wanted was for Murphy to look at him like he was broken. “It's fine. I'm not actually going to kill myself. So I take a few risks here and there, but really, Murphy, it's not a big deal.”

“Yes, it is. It's a very big deal, Bellamy.” Bellamy was going to get himself killed on purpose, how was that not a big deal?

“It's really not. I mean, there's always a chance I'll die every time I leave those gates, what's it matter if I-”

“If you actively try not to come back?” It mattered, it matter enough to scare Murphy to death because, god, what if one day Bellamy didn't come back? What if he just died and he never came back home and did he really not understand what he meant to him? To everyone?

“Murphy.” It wasn't the big deal Murphy was making it into. He wasn't- He was reckless, not suicidal, there was a difference. At least, that's what he was telling himself, even though there was a part of him that knew that wasn't the truth.

“Look, I want to help you. Just let me help you.” He could help Bellamy, he could figure this out and make him see that his life was worth more than that, that he didn't deserve to die. Bellamy just needed to let him help.

“I don't need help.” Except he probably did, but he didn't want to admit it. He was supposed to be strong, he was supposed to deal with things and keep going, he wasn't supposed to need help, not for something like this. He didn't even want to think about this.

“You do, Bellamy! You do, but it's okay, we can fix this-”

“How? How can you fix me? I can't even fix me, Murphy!” He was broken and fucked up and he should have died a long time ago anyway so he didn't really see why it even mattered.

Murphy wasn't sure how to respond. He didn't have an answer yet. He would have to find one, figure something out, he wasn't sure what just yet. He'd talk to Abby, see if she could help, maybe. But he wasn't going to let Bellamy deal with this alone. It would eat at him until he really did stick his gun in his mouth, Murphy _knew._ He'd been there, he'd put a gun to his head and tried to pull the trigger, he hadn't, but he had tried. “We'll work on it.” They could figure this out, they could fix this, make Bellamy see that he didn't deserve to die. “We'll work it out. I've got you, okay?”

Bellamy took a deep breath and nodded his head, giving in. Maybe it would work, maybe Murphy really could help him. “Okay.”

“And you know we all love you and want you to stick around, right?”

Bellamy took a second to respond but finally he nodded his head, believing Murphy. Then, “I'm sorry.”

“For what?”

“For being so messed up.” He shouldn't be putting this on Murphy. Murphy had enough to deal with.

“Don't.” Murphy took Bellamy's hand in his own. “Don't fucking apologize for that. It's not your fault and we will work it out, I promise. But don't think for a second that you have to apologize for it.” They'd work it out. It might take a while, but Murphy was willing to do whatever it took to convince him he didn't deserve to die. He couldn't lose him. He just couldn't.

Bellamy looked at the ground, staring at his toes and hating himself for even talking about this with Murphy when he had so much to deal with already. “But you shouldn't have to deal with this. I can deal with it by myself, I'll be fine.” He had no right to be putting this on Murphy, not with everything Murphy already had to deal with. He was supposed to be the one helping Murphy.

“Look at me, Bellamy. You should never have to deal with this alone and if you think for a second I'm going to let you, you're fucking nuts. I am here, okay?” He could help Bellamy just as much as Bellamy helped him. That was how relationships were supposed to work, if the crappy movies he'd watched on the Ark were telling the truth. He'd be there for Bellamy like Bellamy had been there for him. They'd get through it together, they had to. “Promise me if you ever think about- about doing _that_ you'll come to me first.”

He wouldn't do that, he wasn't going to do that. There was nothing to promise. “Murphy, I won't-”

“ _Promise me_.”

Bellamy nodded and swore, “I promise.” He would, he'd come to Murphy. He might look weak, but he wasn't afraid to show weakness in front of Murphy anymore, not after everything.

“And promise you'll stop taking stupid risks.”

That was a little harder, it was ingrained in him to take risks, but he supposed, for Murphy's sake, he would try. “I promise.”

“Good, because I can't lose you.” A world without Bellamy Blake was not a world he wanted to be a part of. “I love you too damn much.”

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually had to split this chapter in half because it got so long, so hopefully I'll have the next one up soon.
> 
> Chapter warnings: Murphy discusses how to help Bell with Abby, so there are some references to a suicidal character.
> 
> Also Abby/Murphy parental relationship stuff is my weakness. So's Kane/Bellamy parenting. I'm so weak for this shit. So, yeah, Murphy's got a family, too, now. My broken losers are healing.

Bellamy couldn't deny he felt a lot better after talking to Murphy about everything. He didn't feel like he had to deal with it all alone anymore. He had someone he could talk to without worrying about losing their respect and it made him feel so much better, like part of the weight he'd been carrying had been lifted off his shoulders. He didn't have to be closed off in front of Murphy, he could break down and Murphy wouldn't think any less of him for it. He didn't have to hide anything or pretend to be okay when he wasn't and it felt so freeing.

He was still grappling with the fact that it was abuse, but it had made him re-examine a good portion of his childhood. He'd spent the better part of yesterday talking it through with Murphy, who admitted to having seen many a therapist back on the Ark, and he'd found out a lot about those years. Like how his sister shouldn't have been his responsibility and that it wasn't fair he'd had to be a parent at such a young age. He still loved Octavia and their mother but he was beginning to realize a lot about what exactly had happened to him and it explained a lot about who he was today, why he was so messed up. Traumatized, Murphy had put it.

It was a lot to swallow and Bellamy wasn't sure he'd ever really be able to wrap his head around it, but even though the revelations had hurt him, he felt a little bit of the responsibility fade, a little of the worry he'd carried around for so long. He'd never gotten to be a kid, his childhood had been centered around Octavia, she had become his world, but now he needed to let her go. She needed space and he needed to give it to her. Maybe when she got back they could fix things, maybe they'd work it all out, but right now what they both needed was time away from each other. It was for the best, no matter how much it hurt.

Murphy had helped him a lot in the past day, and even before that. Maybe they hadn't had the greatest start, what with the mutual hanging thing they had going on, but now he couldn't think of anyone he'd rather have by his side. No one he'd rather turn to. He hadn't had anyone to turn to since Gina, and even then he'd never been as open as he had been with Murphy yesterday. But then again, Murphy had been with him though most things, he'd been with him from the beginning, it had been a rocky start but it had lead to something Bellamy was sure he'd never want to let go of.

He may very well be head over heels in love with John Murphy, who had seen him at his worst time and time again and yet still found it in himself to love him. Octavia might not come back for a while, and even then things may never really be the same as they once were, but he had Murphy, and he had the rest of their little family, he'd be okay. Not right now, maybe, but he'd be okay eventually, and that was something he could look forward to.

“I love you,” Bellamy whispered, pressing a quick kiss to Murphy's cheek outside the infirmary. He still wasn't as comfortable with being public as he'd liked to be. Sure, he'd hated hiding, but he'd always been better showing love when no one else could see it. The intimate things just between the two of them were where he was most comfortable, but he did like being public, and he was making an effort to show it.

“I love you, too, Bell,” Murphy gave him a soft smile, the kind he reserved for him and him alone and it made Bellamy's heart skip a beat, seeing him that soft. “Now go on, protect us from deer and stray squirrels, you know how devious they can be. Probably plotting our doom right now.”

Bellamy huffed out a laugh and turned to walk to his post, greeting Miller with a smile and a raised hand. Maybe they weren't okay right now, but eventually, Bellamy thought, eventually they'd put it all behind them and they'd be alright. Given enough time, their wounds would scab over and turn to scars they only felt once in a while, and they'd have each other to help them through those times. They'd work it out.

 

-

 

Murphy sagged against the wall of the infirmary and drug a hand over his face. Clarke had kept him plenty busy the whole morning, fetching things, treating minor colds, and doing her best to teach him what her mother had taught her. It was tiring and a bit overwhelming, but he'd always been a hands on learner and he figured if he was ever going to do some good for the camp this is where he'd do it. He'd always found himself drawn to the medical professions but even before he'd gotten locked up he'd never had the grades for it. Here on Earth, though, they didn't care how well he scored on his math test, they only cared that he could keep his hands steady as he stitched someone up. He was neat, meticulous, quite the opposite of how he was in life and even Abby had been impressed which had made his chest swell with pride.

There was something about Abby that made him want to please her. He wanted her praise, whether it be a 'good job, Murphy' or a gentle pat on the back as she walked by. He'd come to know her well and though he'd been wary of her in the beginning, he found he quite liked the older woman. It irritated him to no end whenever Clarke would snap at her or dismiss her comments because didn't she know how good she had it? He would have killed for a mother like that. Someone who actually cared enough to berate him for the stupid shit he did instead of getting drunk and screaming about how he'd murdered his father and how it should have been him that died instead until she passed out. Clarke was lucky, so fucking lucky, and she didn't even realize it.

Speaking of Abby, he needed to find her while he had a moment to himself. She was the only one he trusted with this, the only one he felt could help him, and as much as he hated to mention it at all, he needed her to help him help Bellamy.

He pushed away from the wall, righting himself and tossing a quick, “I'll be back,” over his shoulder as he left the infirmary in search of Abby. She'd been there for a while earlier that morning but everything had been too hectic for him to get a chance to say more than a quick hello. She'd disappeared sometime later and he wasn't sure where she'd gone but he was guessing Jackson would know. He found him tending to a a child's sprained ankle, smiling at him and doing his best to be reassuring as he wrapped a stretchy bandage around it.

Murphy hung back until he was finished, not wanting to interrupt the scene. It only took Jackson a few minutes, years of practice made his technique and bedside manner flawless and for a second Murphy was envious of him, until Jackson looked up and turned his blinding smile on him and Murphy couldn't help but smile back. He'd come to know Jackson fairly well over the past few weeks and he'd found out he had an affinity for terrible puns and was the best person to go to if you'd had a bad day because he gave the best hugs, apparently. Not that Murphy knew from experiences but he'd been told by a few people who seemed to know him. Murphy could really do with a hug right now.

“You okay?” Jackson asked, walking over to him.

“Yeah, fine. Do you know where Abby is?”

“She's in the station talking with David and Kane, going over some things for Arkadia. Why? Something I could help with?”

Murphy hesitated for a second, he was sure Jackson could help him, he seemed to be well versed in psychology, but he wasn't sure how much he trusted him. With Abby it was easier, he asked a question and she gave an answer. Jackson would get worried and ask for an explanation and no, it was best just t ask Abby. “No, I was just needing her help with something.”

“I can help,” Jackson offered. “I'm no Abby but I'm fairly decent.”

Murphy shook his head, “It's personal, but thank you.” He meant it, too. He hoped one day he'd trust Jackson enough to accept his help, he seemed to genuinely care. That, and his jokes always made Murphy laugh. Internally, but still. They made even the most hectic days a bit brighter.

“Alright,” Jackson nodded, not pushing the issue. “They should break for lunch soon, you might be able to catch her then. It'll probably be the only time she's free so you should probably get to her before anyone else.”

Murphy nodded and took off towards the station, deciding Jackson was right. If he didn't catch her as soon as he could somebody else would. He supposed it must be hard, being a Chancellor and head doctor, but she managed it with a grace he couldn't help but admire. There was no way he'd be able to hold himself together that well under all that pressure.

He didn't have to wait too long for Abby to show. She came out of the station about ten minutes after he got there, looking weary and annoyed, but she held her head high and Murphy wondered for a second if he would have learned how to do that, too, if she'd been his mother. He would have traded with Clarke in a second, except he wouldn't, because he wouldn't wish his own mother on anybody else. They didn't deserve that. Not even Clarke.

“Abby!”

“Murphy,” Abby gave him a thin smile, “Is something wrong? Did something happen in the infirmary?”

“No, everything's fine. I just wanted to talk to you? Do you have time? I know you're busy, so if not-”

“I've got time for you. Come on. It's lunchtime and I'm starving.” She smiled wider and began walking towards the tables, Murphy falling into step beside her. “So, what is it? Is Clarke giving you a hard time about learning the procedures? Because I'll have you know it took her four tries to properly dress a wound the first time she tried, everyone learns at their own pace and I think you're doing fine.”

“No, she's, well, she's not great, but she's not the worst teacher I've ever had, so I'll deal.” She wasn't the most patient, nor the greatest at teaching in general, but Jackson picked up where she fell short and so far Murphy had learned quite a bit between the two of them. “It's about-” He cut off, unsure how to explain it without giving too much away. He needed help but he didn't want to betray Bellamy's trust.

“About?” Abby prompted, taking a bowl of stew and an roll from the line and carrying it with her to one of the empty tables, Murphy following suit. He'd never eaten lunch with Abby before, usually preferring to eat alone or with Emori, who spent the entire time rambling about what ever project she was helping Raven with, or maybe it was just about Raven in general, Murphy wasn't too sure.

Murphy sat down across from her and toyed with the end of his spoon, trying to find the right words, “I need to know... I need to know how to help someone who might be suicidal?”

If the question shocked Abby she didn't show it, instead swallowing her food and giving him a look that made him feel like she knew more than he was ever going to be willing to tell her. “Well, the first step would be to make sure they aren't actively trying to commit suicide.”

“They aren't. Not exactly. It's more like they take too many risks that could result in their death and don't seem to care if, or even hope, that it kills them,” he explained.

“Have you spoken to them about it?”

“Yes.”

“And what came of that discussion?”

“H-They promised not to take anymore risks and to come to me if they planned on taking their own life.”

“I see,” She nodded and Murphy got the feeling she knew exactly who he was talking about and he respected her all the more for not saying anything. “There's really not a lot you can do, if you're looking for something specific. Just let them know you're there for them, that you're willing to listen and not judge. There's not a lot more you can do except for be there. There's no definite course of action, no one solution. Just be there for them. And if it ever seems like they might do it, if their behavior changes for the worse, if they start withdrawing from people, any changes in his sleeping schedule or the way they eat, tell someone. Talk to them, check on them from time to time. Make sure they know you're there for them.”

Murphy listened intently, taking each word to heart. He was going to help Bellamy if it was the last thing he did. No one deserved a happy life more than Bellamy, he was sure of it. “So just be there.” It seemed too simple, like it wasn't enough, like there was something else he should do but he guessed there wasn't. There was no miracle cure for things like that, it took time and healing and peace.

“And Murphy, if he needs to talk, he can always come to me. Or Kane for that matter.”

“He won't.” Murphy was sure of that. It had taken so much just to get Bellamy to open up to him, he doubted he'd ever be willing to open up to Abby and he'd never tell Kane for fear of disappointing him. He just wouldn't, and no amount of pleading from Murphy would change that.

“Just let him know, okay? That we're here, too.”

“I will,” Murphy told her before turning to his now cold stew. He was going to do his best to help Bellamy. He wasn't a professional, but he loved him and while he was all too aware life wasn't a fairy tale and his love wasn't going to immediately fix everything, it was all he had to give and he could promise to be there with Bellamy through everything. It's what Bellamy would have done for him. That's what it meant to be in a relationship, Murphy thought, being there to love them even when they didn't love themselves.

“And Murphy, he's probably got PTSD from everything that's happened, hell, I wouldn't be a bit surprised if all of you did, you've been through hell,” she looked down, feeling a bit ashamed, she had been part of the decision to send them to the ground in the first place, she'd voted against it, but even so, “He might need to talk things through a bit. If not with us then with you, and you should talk to someone, too. If you ever need to, I'm here, alright? For both of you.”

“Thank you,” he said, sincere. He'd probably never take her up on the offer, but he was touched nonetheless. He was still trying to wrap his head around the complete turn around from how he'd been treated before. Maybe everyone else had grown up a bit, too, and realized that in comparison, he really didn't have all that much blood on his hands.

“Honestly, I'm a little shocked more of you haven't come to me yet. So far the only one has been Jasper, and he only did so at the insistence of Monty, or so he says.”

“He lost his girlfriend, right?”

“Technically I can't tell you anything about him. Doctor patient confidentiality and all that.”

Murphy nodded, accepting it. He shouldn't be prying anyway. He wouldn't want other people prying into his life. That being said, if he ever lost Bellamy- He couldn't even begin to think about it. He'd probably be just as fucked up and twice as drunk.

They finished eating in comfortable silence that was only broken when Abby asked about how he was coming along with the procedures. He told her he was doing fine, which was, for the most part, the truth. Some of it was harder than he'd expected and he doubted he'd ever get used to being puked on, but that aside, he enjoyed the work. It made him feel useful, gave him a purpose, a reason to stick around besides Bellamy., not that he wasn't enough. He found he quite enjoyed being a part of the camp instead of hanging around the edges. He felt like he truly belonged there, like the place really was his home.

“We'll make a doctor out of you yet, John,” Abby said with a smile before they parted ways.

“I dunno about that. Maybe an assistant at best-”

“You've got promise. You could do it. Who knows, maybe one day when I'm too old you can take over for me,” She gave him a pat on the shoulder as she left, the touch leaving Murphy feeling a bit odd.

Happiness, he thought. Something he'd never expected to feel here, especially not in regard to anyone but Bellamy. Maybe this place could be his home, too. He had a family here, too. Emori, Bellamy, and Abby and maybe even Jackson. He couldn't help but think of Mbege, wondering what he'd say if he were there. He'd probably smirk and call him a sap. God, he missed him.

He returned to the infirmary, still smiling, but his smile vanished the second he saw Clarke glaring at him.

“Where the hell have you been? You can't just disappear. We need your help here.”

Murphy scowled and rolled his eyes, bumping into her shoulder as he entered the infirmary. “I didn't disappear, princess. I said I'd be back and I'm back.”

“Whatever. We need more bandages sterilized, so if you're done taking a break-”

“Got it. Back to work.” Even so, he couldn't bring himself to hate his job.

 

-

 

Life moved on, time continuing to march forward, dragging the two of them with it. They were broken and scarred, but life moved on and they had to keep up. The time was good for them, open wounds healing a bit more each day. Bellamy had gotten the bandages off his hand, the bones healed, leaving him with only a small amount of weakness in his right hand he was sure would go away after he got back into the habit of using it.

Word came that the Grounders had a new leader, a new Heda, so Kane was leaving for Polis, which explained why they were standing in the middle of the Gates at the crack of dawn instead of in bed asleep, but Bellamy had wanted to see him off and Murphy hadn't been able to do much but grumble half assed complaints as he tied his shoes.

Kane had his hand on Bellamy's shoulder, smiling at him as they talked. “I'll bring word of Octavia if we see her.”

“Thank you.”

“Keep our people safe while I'm gone alright? I'm counting on you, son.”

Bellamy couldn't help the swell of pride in his chest he got knowing Kane trusted him that much, nor could he help the joy at being referred to as 'son.' Kane was the closest to a father Bellamy had ever had and it was nice knowing that even if it wasn't yet forgotten, his mistakes could be forgiven. He'd have hated himself if he'd ruined that relationship forever, but he and Kane had talked a lot during the past few weeks and while he admitted he believed Bellamy to have been in the wrong, he understood. Bellamy was still trying to make up for it, it seemed Kane had moved past it. “I'll keep them safe, sir.”

“I know you will,” Kane told him as he mounted his horse. “I'll see you in a month or so. I'll make sure Octavia is safe.”

“Tell her-” _Tell her I'm sorry._ No, he'd tried that. It sounded too much like pleading at this point. “Tell her I still love her.”

Kane nodded and spurred his horse, he and his guard taking off across the grassy field.

Bellamy watched until they disappeared into the woods before turning to Murphy with a smile, “Life goes on, huh?”

“I still don't see why I couldn't have slept in.”

Bellamy laughed and wrapped his arm around Murphy's waist, walking him to the infirmary like he did everyday. Time was what they needed. Time and each other. “So I hear you and Jackson are friends now.”

“Is that what he told you? I swear, I ask the guy for help once and he leeches onto me like a fucking disease.”

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so this took a bit longer than expected, but I recently moved into college so I haven't had much time to write. So the next chapters might be a little slower until I can adjust to classwork and schedules and things.
> 
> Chapter warnings: Rape Flashbacks/Murphy freaks out again, Brief mention of attempted suicide.

“You sure you want to do this?” Bellamy asked, pulling away from Murphy and looking down at him, concerned. “Because we don't have to. We can stop.”

“I want to try,” Murphy told him. He did, he needed to try, needed to see if he could. He wanted to, badly. He wanted to be able to be with Bellamy like he had before. He needed to know he still could.

Bellamy nodded and leaned back down, pressing soft kisses to Murphy's jaw, trailing them up until he found his mouth capturing him in a bruising kiss that had Murphy moaning into his mouth. His hands fumbled with the edges of Murphy's shirt, pulling it up as far as he could and running his fingers across the exposed skin, Murphy shivering as a result.

Murphy lifted up so that Bellamy could remove his shirt before falling back down onto the bed, Bellamy on top of him. It had started as a few small kisses but Murphy had climbed into Bellamy's lap and things had gotten heated leading to where they were now, with Murphy on his back, arching into Bellamy's touch as he ran his hands down his bare chest, tweaking Murphy's nipples as he did so.

Bellamy trailed kisses down Murphy's chest, tracing one of Murphy's scars with this tongue, Murphy letting out a quite moan at the feeling. Murphy's fingers tangled in Bellamy's hair, his other hand clutching at the blankets. He'd wanted this since he'd gotten back, wanted Bellamy, craved his touch but he hadn't been able to due to what had happened. What she did to him.

Murphy scowled and tried to shove the thoughts out of his head. He didn't want to think about that right now. He needed to focus on Bellamy. Bellamy on top of him, touching him, making him feel so damn good. He didn't want to think about her but she kept edging her way into his mind, try as he might to shove her out.

He felt panic build and he tried to ignore it, tugging on Bellamy's hair and getting him to come up for a kiss. Murphy kissed him roughly, shoving his tongue past his teeth and tightening his grip on Bellamy's hair until the older man reached up to make him loosen his grip.

“You okay?” Bellamy asked, pulling back.

All Murphy wanted to do was pull him back down, to get lost in him and forget the panic that was building in his chest, forget her voice and the horrible things she said to him.

_You always wanted it. You wanted me from the second you saw me. Don't act like you didn't enjoy it._

Murphy closed his eyes for a second and took a deep breath before answering, “I'm fine. Please just go on.”

“Murphy-”

“I said I'm fine Bellamy. Okay? I'm fine.” He wasn't going to let her steal this from him, too. She'd taken enough, he wasn't going to let her take Bellamy from him. “I want to do this.”

Bellamy nodded, though a bit hesitantly, and went back to pressing kisses to Murphy's skin.

Murphy rolled his hips upwards, grinding into Bellamy and drawing a soft groan from him. Murphy smirked and did it again, getting the same result. He could feel himself hardening and he wanted nothing more than to let Bellamy take him, but the panic started to set it, turning his veins to ice.

_Look at you. You were always so easy, weren't you? It never took much to get you ready for me. I bet you miss it, miss me. You think he'll ever be as good?_

Murphy closed hid eyes tightly, trying to block it out, trying to force himself back to the present but he had no luck. She had her claws in him and he felt the cold metal locking into place, saw her smirk as she drug him to the bed, her hands making quick work of his clothes. Maybe if he just lied still it would be over soon, maybe he could pretend it wasn't happening. He wanted to fight against her but he knew he couldn't. She'd only punish him and finish what she started. The cold metal felt like it was choking him, closing around his throat and leaving him gasping for air.

“Murphy?”

He couldn't breathe, he couldn't think. He clenched his fists in the covers, trying to ignore it.

“Murphy, open your eyes! Murphy, look at me!”

Murphy forced his eyes open, expecting to be met with Ontari towering above him but instead he looked up at Bellamy, whose hand was on his neck, the warmth of it driving away the feeling of cold metal and leaving Murphy a shaking, panting mess.

“Murphy? Are you okay?” Bellamy asked, concerned. “You just froze up and stopped responding and then you started gasping- Murphy, what happened?”

Murphy swallowed hard and sat up, drawing his knees up to his chest and dropping his head down onto them as he shook. It shouldn't be this hard. It shouldn't be difficult, he shouldn't see her. He should have been focused on Bellamy. Bellamy would never hurt him. He wanted to be with Bellamy, to have sex with him, but it seemed impossible. “I'm sorry.”

“It's not your fault. It's okay,” Bellamy reassured him, sitting up next to him. “Do you want to tell me what happened?”

Murphy shook his head. He didn't want to talk about it, he just wanted to forget it. He had thought that by replacing those memories with new ones, better ones, he'd be able to move past it, but it didn't seem possible. Now it looked like he might never be able to have sex with Bellamy ever again. Ontari wasn't done taking things from him, it seemed. The thought made him draw in on himself even further, gripping his arms tightly and taking shaky breaths as he tried to recover while dealing with that potential fact.

If he couldn't' have sex with Bellamy then what was the point of being with him? Eventually Bellamy would get bored and leave him. Their relationship had started out being based entirely on sex, a way to take out their frustrations and vent anger at the Earth and each other. Sex had been what started it, and now that he couldn't give Bellamy that, no matter how much he wanted to, Bellamy would leave. Why would he stay?

The thought shook Murphy more than anything else. He didn't want to lose Bellamy, but he couldn't give him what he needed and eventually Bellamy would find someone who could. He deserved someone who could do that, someone who wasn't broken.

He felt a hand on his arm, gently tugging at it, “Hey, Murphy? Come on, talk to me.”

“I don't want to talk about it.”

“You don't have to, but just tell me what's going on in your head right now, okay? Is there anything I can help with? Do you want me to get someone you do want to talk to? Abby or someone?”

“No! No, not Abby. I don't want to talk to anyone about it, okay?” Murphy's head shot up and he looked at Bellamy, pleading him not to. He didn't want to tell Abby about what happened. He didn't want to talk to anyone about what happened. He hadn't even wanted to tell Bellamy, but he'd had to tell someone.

“Okay,” Bellamy nodded. “But tell me what's going on, at least, are you going to be okay?”

“I'll be fine. I'm just-” Murphy cut himself off with a shake of his head. He didn't want to whine to Bellamy about it. If Bellamy wanted to leave him he could. Murphy wasn't going to make him stay or make him feel guilty for leaving when he eventually did.

“Just what? Come on, Murph, talk to me. Let me help.”

“It's just that you're going to leave me because I can't have sex with you no matter how much I want to but Ontari fucked me up and eventually you'll realize that and find someone else, someone who isn't broken and it's fine, it's fine! You deserve someone who can give you what you need,” Murphy told him, all of it rushing out in one breath. Honestly, he wouldn't blame Bellamy for leaving, he understood it. It was fine. He'd be fine on his own.

Bellamy stared at him for a second before shaking his head, “Murphy, I don't _need_ sex. The only thing I need is you. I can take care of myself in the shower or something, it's fine. I'm not going to leave you, I promise.”

“No?”

“No.”

“But what if I can't have sex with you again?”

“Then no sex.” It was simple. Bellamy loved Murphy and if he couldn't have sex with him, that was fine. He was more than happy to have Murphy just to hold, to love. He didn't have to have sex with him to make their relationship work.

“But I _want_ to be able to have sex with you. I don't want to feel broken forever. I want to be able to, Bell.” Murphy hated not being able to have sex with Bellamy, it wasn't just because he enjoyed it, but because he hated the idea that he was permanently scarred by what happened to him. He couldn't stand it.

“Then maybe one day you will. We can work on it, if you want. One step at a time, you're in control. It'll be okay, alright?” Bellamy wrapped his arm around Murphy, pulling him against him. They'd figure it out. It could take months or years, but Bellamy wasn't going to leave Murphy's side, ever. He loved him, and sex wasn't more important than their relationship.

“Alright,” Murphy nodded, drying the tears that had started to gather in the corners of his eyes at the thought of losing Bellamy. They could work on it. He could go slow and he'd get there eventually. He wasn't going to be permanently scarred by Ontari. He'd move past it eventually. “Alright.”

“We've still got a couple hours before supper. You want to talk about anything else?” Bellamy asked him, changing the subject for Murphy's sake.

“Did I tell you how I met Emori yet?” Murphy asked, glad for the change of topic. He could talk about other things. Abby had said he needed to talk to someone about them, and if Bellamy wanted to listen, then he figured that was the best option.

“Not yet but I'd like to hear it. I'd like to hear about all the things that happened when you were gone, if you want to tell me.”

“Alright, so, after I left Jaha took us all on this trip across a desert to this place called the City of Light, which turned out to be total bullshit, but we'll get to that...” Murphy began, telling Bellamy about their trip and the mine field and meeting Emori and how he was pretty sure she wasn't even real at first but she was and he thought he might be in love until she pulled a knife on him and that's when he knew he was.

Then he told him about the boat and losing Craig and Richards, two of the only friends he'd made since touching down on Earth. He told him about arriving at the City of Light and Jaha taking off to follow some drone, leaving him alone and how betrayed he had felt. Bellamy gave his shoulder a squeeze at that and Murphy shifted his position so he could lay his head on Bellamy's chest.

He told him about the bunker and how at first he'd been so happy to find a safe place, how relived he'd felt and then the video and the horror of realizing he was locked in. He told him about the days he spent drunk, the video replaying until he had it memorized, word for word, and the gun, how it didn't take long until he wanted to use it, too. He tried, he really had, but he just couldn't pull the trigger. He'd ended up curled up on the couch, passed out from sheer exhaustion that night, tears drying on his face. He thought he was going to die in there, either because he ran out of food or by his own hand, both seemed equally likely. Weeks passed and Murphy gave up caring, gave up trying. He drank and he slept and he watched the video on repeat because at least it made him feel less alone for a few seconds. It drove him insane being completely alone. He'd never loved people, that was obvious, but he needed them around, needed to not feel alone every second of the day. Being trapped with nothing but his own thoughts had really gotten to him.

He told him about the day the door opened, how relieved he'd felt, and how he'd ran outside without stopping to think if it was a trap because he didn't care, he just wanted out, even if it was directly into the hands of some waiting enemy. He'd take physical torture over mental torture any day.

Bellamy listened and held him, pressing gentles kisses to the top of his head when he got to a particularly stressful part, letting him know he was there.

“Then when I finally found Jaha, he was with some crazy computer program and he admitted he was responsible for me being locked in and- I wasn't sure what to do, honestly. I wanted to punch him, to make him pay for it but I didn't. I just couldn't. Everything was too crazy but then we left and Emori showed up.”

Murphy told him about Jaha's backpack and running away from them and attacking passersby with Emori and how it was the most fun he'd had since landing. “I felt like she accepted me, you know? For me. She didn't care that I'd killed people, she didn't care that I was a criminal, to her I was just Murphy and it was nice.”

“Did you love her?” Bellamy asked, no accusation, only curiosity in his voice.

“Yeah, I think so, for a while. I still do, just not the same way I love you. It's confusing sometimes, trying to sort it out because even when I left I still loved you and I thought for a while I might be over you but when I saw you in Polis, I knew I wasn't. You have to realize I never thought I would see you again when I fell in love with Emori. The second I saw you, though, I knew there wasn't a choice to make.” He'd choose Bellamy every time. Emori had understood and told him to go for it, she'd been so calm about it, like she'd expected it to happen and Murphy apologized to her but she had just brushed it off saying that Bellamy had him first. But Murphy didn't feel as guilty now that he'd seen the way she looked at Raven.

“You don't have to justify yourself to me, you know. I had a girlfriend, too,” Bellamy told him, lacing their fingers together. He'd have chosen Murphy, too, but he hadn't gotten a chance to make that decision. She'd been taken from him and in his grief he'd made bad decisions, but slowly he was being forgiven for them and he was working on forgiving himself. He still missed Gina terribly, though, and he wasn't sure he'd ever truly be done grieving her.

“Yeah? Gina, right? You met her after the whole thing with Mt. Weather. What exactly happened? I mean, you told me a little bit but was that all of it?” Murphy asked, looking up at Bellamy.

“Yeah, her name was Gina and she was amazing. She kept me sane after Clarke left. I had no one to lean on and then she was just there. She was so strong and she helped me hold it together. And no, there was more to it than just pulling the lever with Clarke.” Bellamy took a deep breath and intertwined his fingers with Murphy's in an effort to comfort himself as he began his story. “First I went into Mt. Weather, got Lincoln to sneak me in, it was a great plan, but it wasn't flawless and everything kinda went south a few times but in the end it all worked out.” Lincoln had gotten back out and Bellamy had been able to disable their acid fog. He was counting that as a win. It still didn't even begin to compare with their loses, however.

He told Murphy about getting 'captured' and the cages and being drained of his blood and the collars and killing the guard. He told him about Maya, the girl he'd met who helped him even though she knew it could end in her death if things didn't work out right. He didn't think he had ever met someone as brave as she was. He wished there had been a way to save her, to give her a transfusion before they irradiated level five, so that she could have lived, but there hadn't been, and it was one more dead child on Bellamy's conscience.

He told him about pretending to be a guard and seeing the children going to school and how now they're all dead and he helped with that. All of them were dead now and it had been their fault. They killed them to save their own but was it really worth the cost? Hundreds dead to save a few and while Bellamy didn't regret saving his people, he regretted not being able to compromise, to find another way around it. But Cage had let his people die. Bellamy had to remind himself that it was Cage's fault, in the end, and they had only done what they had to. It didn't make his conscience any lighter, but it made it bearable.

Bellamy took a shallow breath and Murphy squeezed his hand, letting him know that it was okay.

“When we came home, Clarke just left. I needed her, and she left me, left us, all of us, without a second thought. I know she's back now, but what if she leaves again? What if she decides that she liked it better out there and just ups and leaves one day? I trusted her and she left me alone to carry it by myself. It wasn't fair and I don't think I'll ever trust her again, no matter how much I want to.”

“You don't have to. You don't have to forgive anyone, alright? She left you after everything and you don't owe her your trust anymore,” Murphy told him. He hated Clarke for leaving Bellamy to carry the burden of killing all of Mt. Weather alone. He had needed her, they had pulled the lever together, they should have carried the burden together but she'd left him and Murphy could never forgive her for that. Bellamy might not be so bad off now if she had just stayed.

Sometimes Murphy wished he had stayed, too, but that was a long time ago and for far different reasons and had he been the one with Bellamy pulling that lever, he never would have left him. Granted, he never would have needed someone to pull the lever with him. He wasn't that good of a person. He wouldn't have hesitated. It would have been his plan from the start.

“But she was my friend, Murphy. _Is_ my friend. I trusted her and I want to again but I'm scared that she'll just run off again the next time something gets to be too much for her and what then?” Bellamy shook his head and sighed. He missed having Clarke by his side, but he didn't trust her anymore. It would take a long time for him to do so again ad he felt guilty for it because he understood why she left. He really, really did. He was just scared she'd do it again and he wasn't sure he could handle anyone else leaving him.

“So, after Mt. Weather was the whole SkaiKru versus the Grounders thing?”

“Yeah. After we irradiated Mt. Weather, we began taking supplies and things from there to use. And then when we discovered Farm Station had survived they needed a place to stay so we decided Mt. Weather was the place for that. It would have been fine but the Ice Nation didn't want us to be part of the Coalition, they wanted us dead, so they sent an assassin to Mt. Weather. There was a bomb, Gina was there and when it blew-,” Bellamy swallowed hard and rubbed at his eyes with his free hand, “Anyway, she didn't make it out and then she was just gone. So was most of Farm Station. The Grounders killed them all.”

Suddenly all of Bellamy's choices made complete sense to Murphy. If the Grounders had taken Bellamy from him, on top of everything else they had done, he'd want them all dead, too.

“I'm sorry,” Murphy told him, holding onto Bellamy's hand. He didn't know what else to say so he just sat there, letting Bellamy hold onto him for as long as he wanted without speaking.

It helped, Murphy realized, talking to someone about everything that had happened to them. It hurt a bit but it felt good to talk about it, let it out and not keep it locked away. It was easy talking about it when you knew the person listening wasn't going to judge you, when you knew they'd gone through hell, too. He doubted he'd ever be able to be as open with anyone else. He trusted Bellamy, and Bellamy trusted him. They weren't going to judge each other or use what they were told against each other.

“Come on, we should head to supper,” Bellamy said, untangling himself from Murphy and standing up, stretching. “We can talk more later, okay?”

“Yeah, okay,” Murphy nodded, pulling on his shirt and heading for the door.

 

-

 

Bellamy closed his eyes, content to lie net to Murphy, who currently had his head on his chest, Bellamy running his fingers through his hair and he would have thought he was asleep except for the comments he gave occasionally, never really trying to start a conversation but unable to stay silent for too long.

It was times like this when Bellamy could enjoy the peace they currently had. Usually he was on guard all the time, waiting for an attack, but here, with Murphy curled up next to him, he could relax and let himself breathe for a moment.

“I still can't believe you had a girlfriend, though,” Murphy snorted, unable to stand the silence any longer. He wasn't bothered by it, not in the slightest, he was actually kind of glad Bellamy hadn't been alone the whole time. God only knew where he'd be without Emori, he was just glad Bellamy had someone, too. Even if it was hard to picture Bellamy actually opening up to someone else. Murphy figured the only reason he even opened up to him was because he'd already seen Bellamy at his worst. There wasn't anything that would make him stop loving him and Bellamy knew that, at least, Murphy hoped he did.

“Hey, you're the one who left me, remember?” Bellamy defended himself, gently tugging on Murphy's hair.

“I didn't mean it like that.” Murphy hoped he hadn't upset Bellamy by it. He had been the one to leave Bellamy and even though he'd had a good reason for it, what with no one in camp trusting him and Clarke blaming him for Finn shooting the villagers -Finn who he'd tried to top, Finn who had been his _friend-_ he'd needed to leave. But still, he wished he hadn't left Bellamy. “I'm sorry.”

“It's okay. I get it, why you left back then,” Bellamy told him. He did, he understood completely, and while he couldn't say it hadn't hurt him, he knew Murphy had needed to leave, the camp had turned against him and it wouldn't have been fair to make him stay.

“Yeah?”

“Sometimes I wish I had left, too,” Bellamy admitted. There were days when he'd wished he'd left with Murphy and Jaha, or just taken Murphy and ran somewhere alone. He was pretty sure they could have made it, at least for a while.

“You would never have left your people.” It was a fact, Bellamy loved his people, he cared about them, and he couldn't just abandon them and Murphy would never ask him to choose. Both because it wouldn't be fair to Bellamy and because he'd be scared of the outcome.

“No, but there were days when I wanted to. I wanted to just disappear into the trees and never come back. Just run away.” Bellamy had never told anyone that, but he trusted Murphy not to think any less of him for it. “Maybe just leave, maybe try to find you, I don't know, but I wanted to run. The only thing that kept me here was knowing people relied on me. Knowing they needed me here.”

Murphy nodded, understanding and silence fell between them again for a moment before, “I would have stayed, you know, if you had asked me to.” He didn't know what else to say. He would have, but Bellamy had never asked.

Back then, Bellamy had been too scared to ask, too scared Murphy would refuse and reject him, so he'd let him go and convinced himself it was the right thing to do. Now, though, now they were older and they had grown up, grown into themselves, and Bellamy wasn't as scared anymore. “Will you stay now?” He asked, voicing on of the concerns he'd been suppressing since they'd reached Arkadia, that one day Murphy would no longer need him and he'd move on, just like Octavia now had.

“Of course.” There was no way Murphy was going to leave him now. Maybe he could do it back when their relationship hadn't meant as much, but now? Now that he was sure he loved Bellamy, there was no way he could leave him.

“Forever?”

“For as long as you'll have me.”

“Forever, then.” Bellamy knew it was sappy and a little ridiculous, but he wanted Murphy to know that he was in this forever, until his last breath, he was Murphy's. Sappy or not, he didn't care. It was true. He turned over and pulled Murphy against his chest, pulling up the blankets to cover them. “Goodnight, Murphy.”

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long. School's been a bit of an adjustment and I really haven't had the inspiration for this particular fic.   
> I don't think there's any warnings for this chapter except towards the end Murphy briefly tells Monty what happened. He doesn't go into detail though. It's just one sentence.

Murphy was just about used to being surrounded by Bellamy's -no, _their_ \- friends. It happened at least twice a week when everyone's lunch breaks happened at the same time. Most of the time they discussed current events or made terrible jokes but sometimes they'd tell stories about things that had happened in the past, which was what was currently happening.

Miller was entertaining everyone with a story from when they were all back at the dropship, back in the beginning, before everything had gone to shit.

“So, I was just minding my own damn business when I hear this noise right? And I don't place it at first, I think maybe it's someone who'd been caught in the fog or was in need of help, so I followed it, just trying to be a good guy, right?” Miller winced and shook his head, letting everyone know that whatever was about to come next hadn't been anything like what he'd expected. “I follow the noise and I come up to what looks like a couple of idiots fighting in the middle of the woods. Now it's the middle of the night and I'm on guard duty, just doing my job, so I figure I should probably break it up and drag their asses back to camp, right?”

“Let me guess, Murphy was duking it out with some asshole, right?” Monty asked, elbowing Murphy in the ribs. It seemed fair, since back then Murphy was always fighting someone.

“Murphy was doing something,” Miller grumbled, getting back to the story. “Anyway, so I've got my 'I mean business' face on and I'm thinking I'm going to scare the shit out of these two assholes because clearly they haven't heard me come up and they're still fighting or whatever but I'm thinking one of them is about to die because he's pinned up against a tree. I finally get close enough to see what's going on and the noise is coming from them alright. I can just barely make out who it is and unsurprisingly, one of them's Murphy-”

Murphy scrunched his eyebrows together, trying to remember who he would have been fighting. He couldn't remember being out that far in the woods with anyone except- Oh, fuck. Murphy paled and opened his mouth to stop Miller but he couldn't get the words out in time.

“-He's pressed up against the tree by Bellamy of all people-”

By this time Bellamy had caught on to what the story was about and a blush began to tint his cheeks.

“-And they're not even close to fighting-”

“Okay!” Bellamy seemed to have been better at finding his words than Murphy had been. “That's a fantastic story Miller, so great I really don't want to ruin it with an ending.”

“You two were fucking against a tree in the middle of the woods. That's the ending,” Harper snorted, causing Bellamy's light blush to turn into a much more noticeable beet red.

The rest of the table snickered and Bellamy buried his face in his hands and Murphy rolled his eyes, grumbling about how they had tried to be discreet, it wasn't his fault Miller caught them.

“You never said anything about it,” Bellamy said, looking through the cracks between his fingers. “You caught us but you never said anything?”

“I figured there was a reason you were that far away from camp. If you wanted people to know you would have just used your tent but you snuck out to the woods for a reason. I wasn't going to make it awkward by telling you I knew,” Miller shrugged.

Bellamy wasn't sure how to respond to that, but he was grateful to Miller for keeping it to himself. He hadn't been anywhere near ready to be out about his relationship with Murphy back then. He hadn't thought anyone would take him seriously if they knew. Now he was well aware no one cared, but back then things had been different and he had never been in an actual relationship on the Ark lest someone get too close and find out about Octavia. He hadn't be ready to be public, but now, after everything, he was much more comfortable with it. Even if stories about him pinning Murphy against trees made him blush like a schoolgirl.

“No harm in telling the story now, right?” Monty laughed and Murphy couldn't help but give him a smile in return. “Guess you shouldn't have been so loud.”

“What makes you think it was me?” Murphy asked causing the others to pause in their laughter.

“Bellamy fucked his way through half the camp in the first day, I think if he were loud we would have all known.”

Murphy frowned and let his head drop onto the table in embarrassment. He couldn't really argue with that logic, and it had been him that was loud, that was why they made sure to go so far away from camp in the first place.

“Aw, cheer up. At least you tried to be discreet. Try having a tent next to Harper and Monroe,” Monty told him before freezing, realizing what he'd just said.

“Hey, it's not my fault you stumbled into the wrong tent while drunk,” Harper shot back, not phased by the casual mention of Monroe. They had to say her name eventually. Eventually they had to accept she was gone and move on from it. Their group was a little smaller now, and Harper had been really shaken up in the beginning, but she was doing her best to move on like Monroe would have wanted. They couldn't keep avoiding the topic of her forever. “What you saw was your own fault, not mine.”

Monty shrugged and snorted, “But still-”

“But nothing.”

 

-

 

Murphy had spent most of his afternoon making sure the infirmary was clean, since Clarke was too busy treating some idiot that had somehow impaled himself with a piece of wood from one of the buildings being built. Honestly, with the way he screamed you'd think it went through his chest, not his hand. It wasn't exactly an easy fix, and Clarke had needed Jackson's help to calm the man while she tried to pull it out. Murphy had helped a little in the beginning, but once she'd removed the stick his help hadn't been needed and he'd busied himself with cleaning up what he could so that they would all be able to leave sometime before supper.

“Murphy!”

Murphy's head shot up when he heard Clarke call for him. Next to her stood Raven and Emori, Raven clutching a red stained cloth. “Yeah?”

“Can you take care of her? I'm almost done here but you should be able to handle this on your own, right?” She asked, clearly exhausted. Murphy wasn't sure he'd trust her with applying a bandaid right now. She clearly needed a rest, which was probably what she was going to do as soon as the idiot's hand was all bandaged up.

“Yeah,” He nodded, setting his rag aside and going to wash his hands. They used Monty's moonshine for most everything that needed to be sterilized, but they had a sink and soap from Mt. Weather so for now they used that to clean their hands.

He headed back over to the girls, Emori gently shoving a frowning Raven into a chair. “What happened?” He asked, pointing to the cloth.

“Nothing,” Raven spat, glaring at Murphy. Of all people, it had to be him to help her.

“She cut her hand on a piece of scrap metal and it won't stop bleeding,” Emori informed him.

Murphy did his best not to let Raven's glare get to him. She had a right to hate him, after all. “How long has it been bleeding?”

“Not too long, but the cut looks pretty nasty and she needed to be checked out so-”

“So you forced me here even though it's nothing,” Raven finished, rolling her eyes. Honestly, she was fine.

“Let me see it,” Murphy requested. Normally he'd just take the patient's hand himself and look at it, but since this patient was Raven and he was pretty sure she was capable of kicking his ass if he did anything without permission, he waited until she extended her hand before taking the cloth off.

He winced when he saw the cut. It was pretty deep and would need stitches. He told Raven that and got a sigh in return. He stood up to fetch the supplies he needed and returned quickly. “Alright, this should be pretty easy. I'll numb your skin and then stitch you up and you'll be good to go.”

“Do it fast, then,” Raven demanded.

“See, I told you you'd need stitches,” Emori told her, then, looking back to Murphy, “If it was up to her she would have stayed to finish her project first.”

“And I would have been just fine,” Raven said, watching Murphy carefully, still not trusting him. But Clarke trusted him, and she trusted Clarke, and Clarke had looked so tired Raven hadn't been able to bring herself to demand anyone else do it.

“You would not have been. You're just too stubborn to admit you're hurt.”

“And you care too much. What's it even matter to you?”

Emori didn't answer, she just frowned and turned to stalk away, grumbling about stupid engineers and how it's the last time she tries to help.

Murphy smirked at her retreating form and told Raven, “I think she likes you.”

“Just stitch me up, Murphy.” She didn't want to make small talk with Murphy anymore than she wanted to have him stitch her up.

“Right.” Murphy went back to work, feeling Raven's eyes on him as he stitched up her hand, trying to keep from snapping at her to stop glaring at him. He kept reminding himself that she had a right to be angry with him, he'd shot her. Accidentally, but the damage had been done. He'd never even apologized, either. Maybe she thought he'd meant to shoot her. He hadn't. He'd been expecting Octavia to be there but it had been Raven instead.

Murphy took a deep breath ad decided to at least try to apologize, since he'd never done it before, and with her and Emori being so close, he'd have to eventually, “I'm sorry.”

“For?”

“Shooting you. I'm sorry.”

Raven nodded but didn't stop glaring at him.

“I meant to shoot Octavia.”

“Is that supposed to make me feel better?”

“I'm sorry.”

“And my leg still hurts.”

Murphy grit his teeth, “You're not innocent, either, Raven. You tired to sell me out to the Grounders so you're cheating boyfriend could live.”

“And he's dead,” Raven told him, not accepting his apology but not outright rejecting it, either. She wasn't sure what to do with the fact that he was apologizing. It didn't change anything, but she doubted the old Murphy would have ever even attempted to apologize. He'd had plenty of opportunities to do so before but he hadn't.

Murphy rolled his eyes, tying a knot in the string and cutting it. Of course Finn was dead, but he'd been Murphy's friend to, but everyone seemed to forget that. “For fuck's sake, Raven, I'm trying to apologize, what do you want from me?”

“Nothing. You fucked up, deal with it.” She didn't have to forgive him just because he said sorry. His apology wasn't going to fix anything. But still, she wasn't quite sure what to make of the fact that he'd apologized at all.

Murphy nodded, understanding. He hadn't really expected her forgiveness, in her place he wouldn't forgive him. But she stopped glaring at him so harshly, so he figured that was progress. He admired her and figured they would have been friends, if he hadn't fucked up so badly.

Neither spoke again until Murphy was done bandaging her hand.

Murphy broke the silence, “You've got to be easy on your hand the next few days, otherwise you'll rip the stitches and you'll be right back here. Maybe have Emori help you with your project, she's smart enough to get it, I'm sure.”

“I know she is,” Raven said, a little offended Murphy thought she didn't. “Do you-” She cut off and took a shallow breath, “Do you really think she likes me?”

“Yeah,” Murphy assured her. Whenever he hung out with Emori Raven was all she talked about. It was part of the reason he'd apologized. If Emori liked her that much, he had to at least try, didn't he?

Raven smiled to herself and turned to leave but Murphy stopped her before she could, “Don't fucking hurt her.” Emori was his best friend and he'd do anything to protect her, even if she didn't really need him to.

“Or what, you'll shoot me in the other leg?” She snarked before realizing he was serious. “Relax, Murphy. She seems like she can take care of herself.”

Murphy figured that was the best he was going to get so he let her go, going back to cleaning up the infirmary just as Clarke finally finished fixing the idiot's hand.

 

-

 

Bellamy still felt a little awkward about the story Miller had told, but he figured he needed to get over it. Miller was his friend, a damn good one at that, if he'd kept something like that to himself for so long just because he hadn't wanted to out Bellamy's relationship. He cleared his throat, drawing Miller's attention, “Thank you.”

“For what?”

“Not saying anything about me and Murphy.”

“No problem. It wasn't my place,” Miller shrugged and beamed at him and Bellamy felt all of the awkwardness fade. Miller was his best friend, his second in command, he trusted him more than anyone else, and Miller kept proving that it was one of the only good decisions Bellamy had made.

“So, what do you think of this new Commander the Grounders have?” Miller asked, turning his gaze back to the gates. They were at peace but they still felt the need to guard themselves from whatever was out there.

“I don't know. I guess we'll find out when Kane comes back.”

“If he comes back. What if they're anti-SkaiKru and they just kill him and come to attack?”

“Then we fight back,” Bellamy reasoned, now worried about Kane's safety. He hadn't considered the possibility that he could be killed just for showing up. He shoved it away, there was no point in dwelling on it. Either Kane was going to come back or he wasn't. Worrying about it wouldn't change anything. “But right now we've no reason to suspect they would be against us.”

“It just feels really weird to have peace, is all,” Miller told him.

“Like it's a trap and someone's just waiting for us to get complacent before they spring it.”

“Yeah, like that.” The peace was something Miller enjoyed, but after so long on the ground he'd learned not to trust it for too long. Eventually there'd be some new threat to look out for.

“Maybe it's real, Maybe it'll last,” Bellamy said, giving voice to his hopes. Maybe they'd be safe for once.

“I hope so. I'd like to live long enough to raise chickens with Bryan,” Miller laughed.

Bellamy wanted to tell him that he would, but he couldn't. He didn't know for sure and it would feel like too much of a lie. He settled for clapping Miller on the shoulder and giving him a smile.

Hopefully they'd all grow old, it almost seemed possible now.

 

-

 

Murphy smiled as he followed Monty out past the fence, sneaking through a hole that was just big enough to fit through. The power wasn't on to the fence most days, since it was such a drain on resources and there was no point in having it on if there was nothing to defend themselves from. Granted, going outside the fence was a little dangerous, there were still Grounders that hated the SkaiKru and there were many predators out in the woods, but neither of them feared death half as much as they should. Not now, they had survived too much, made it through too much to be fearful. Besides, Monty still had his gun, so they were safe enough.

Monty leaned against a tree about ten feet into the treeline and Murphy scrambled up to sit on one of the lower branches, feeling more at peace when he was higher up so he could see everything below him.

Monty handed a him a jar of moonshine and Murphy took a drink, neither saying anything for a long time, just content to drink in comfortable silence as the watched Arkadia from the outside.

Finally, Monty broke the silence, “Do you regret it?”

Murphy took another drink before answering, wincing at the sting of the alcohol as it burned its way down his throat. “No.” No, he didn't regret what he'd done. He'd had to. Knowing they were alive, he never would have been able to stand it. They'd tried to kill him, they still could have, he was just making sure he could sleep at night. “Do you?”

“There were children there. Kids,” Monty said, his voice nearly a whisper. “I should regret it.” But he didn't. The way he saw it, Cage had killed his people by refusing to release theirs. Sure, he'd been the one to reprogram the computer, without him it wouldn't have been possible, but it was still as much Cage's fault as theirs.

“Your mom-”

“You gonna tell me why you were in the hallway?” Monty cut him off. He wasn't going to talk about that if he didn't have to. He tried not to think about it, but it haunted him.

“I ran away from Bellamy.”

“Why?”

“Why'd you kill your mom?”

“Because she tried to kill Octavia.”

“Should have let her,” Murphy spat, bitterly.

Monty just shrugged and took a drink. He was friends with Octavia, but he'd been there that morning when she'd hit Bellamy. He couldn't blame Murphy for hating her. “So, why'd you run from Bellamy?”

“Because I was raped while in Polis and I freaked out when we tried to have sex.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“I think I'm in love with Miller.”

“That's rough.”

“Yeah.”

They lapsed into silence again, drinking and pretending not to be as hurt as they were. They were both coping with the things they had done to survive and how they didn't regret them even though they should have, and the people they've lost. It was nice to have someone to talk to about it without worrying they'll think less of them for it. Of course, the silence was nice, too. Just being in each other's presence was enough to keep them grounded.

“How do you cope with not regretting it?” Monty asked.

“I don't.” It still ate at him sometimes, that he could take a life and not feel any regret. He felt like maybe he was a monster for it, but then again, he'd been raised to believe that he was, so it wasn't that much of a revelation.

“I feel like I'm a bad person for it.”

“You think any of my advice will help you feel like a better person?”

“Probably not.”

“It fades with time. It's not going to go away, but eventually you'll stop dwelling on it so much.” It was easier now compared to what it was when he'd first taken a step back and looked at what he'd done. Still, he knew it wasn't ever going to go away and he wasn't going to lie to Monty and say it would.

 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long. College has really been kicking my ass as of late. I don't have any exams for a while though, so I should be able to get another chapter uploaded before then. Maybe during fall break.

“'The name 'Livia' is connected with the Latin word which means Malignity,'” Bellamy read aloud. Murphy was curled up next to him with his head on Bellamy's side as he read to him. Bellamy was pretty sure Murphy didn't care about the story, but he listened anyway and never interrupted. Bellamy would have thought he was asleep if not for the way his fingers traced the seams on Bellamy's pants while he listened. He'd noticed it took a lot for Murphy to stay still, he was always fidgeting with something, not that Bellamy minded. Bellamy continued, “'My grandmother was a consummate actress, and the outward purity of her conduct, the sharpness of her wit, and the graciousness of her manners deceived nearly everybody.'”

Murphy remained silent until Bellamy paused several pages later to get a drink, his throat having gone dry from reading aloud. Murphy shifted slightly and said, “When I was younger, before he was floated, my dad used to read to me. Mainly Shakespeare, he really loved him, but sometimes other things. Classics, mainly, anything he could get his hands on. When they locked me up the only thing the let me keep was his copy of Hamlet. It was battered and falling apart from how many times he'd read it, it was his favorite. 'This above all, to thine own self be true.' He used to quote it all the time. I didn't understand much of it at first, but he'd explain it to me, tell me what was going on so I never felt lost. He taught me to read like that. He'd sit for hours and teach me how to pronounce words. He had the patience of a saint, even my teacher's got frustrated with me, but he never did.”

“He sounds like he was a great man,” Bellamy told him, smiling softly. Murphy rarely spoke about his family, and Bellamy knew why, but he loved listening to him talk about the good parts. He knew how much trust it took for Murphy to be open about it and he was glad to be someone Murphy trusted that much.

“He was. He'd read to me until I fell asleep. When I got sick it was all he did. He'd sit next to my bed and read to me for hours, whenever he wasn't at work he was right there next to me.” Until he wasn't, but Murphy didn't want to think about that.

Bellamy pressed a gentle kiss to the top of Murphy's head before picking up the book again and continuing to read to him, an idea forming. He knew they'd brought a lot of things from Mt. Weather, he was sure he'd seen something of Shakespeare's.

The next day Bellamy spent his lunch break wandering the halls of the station, trying to find the right room. He knew where it was, but all the doors looked the same to him, they weren't marked with numbers like their room was. He tried several doors but found them to be locked. Sighing, he was just about to give up and ask Abby when the knob he turned clicked and the door swung open, revealing a room full of boxes and shelves covered in books and paintings and records. He smiled to himself and walked in, noticing a startled Jasper near one of the shelves full of paintings.

He wasn't sure how to act around him anymore, Jasper used to look up to him, used to be someone who trusted him, but lately it seemed like he hated Bellamy, though Bellamy couldn't blame him, and he never knew what was going to set him off. He was walking on eggshells around the kid, but even that wasn't enough to guarantee anything. He knew it wasn't his fault. Abby had mentioned he had PTSD when he'd asked if he was cleared to go on hunting trips with them. But, even so, they all had PTSD, but Jasper was the only one who drank himself into a stupor and lashed out at people. Well, other than Octavia, but Bellamy was willing to bet that wasn't PTSD related. He cleared his throat and held up his hands in a gesture showing he meant no harm, “Hey?”

“Hey,” Jasper nodded at him, trying for a smile and ending up with a grimace. “You looking for something?”

“A book for Murphy,” Bellamy told him, motioning towards the shelves along the wall. “You need something?”

“The paintings. I was just looking at them. Maya showed them to me in Mt. Weather,” Jasper explained, looking pained at the mention of her.

“Oh.” Bellamy nodded, then, “Is there one in particular or just all of them.”

“This one,” Jasper pointed to one of the paintings in front of him. Bellamy couldn't see it from the angle he was at, but he nodded anyway.

“Maybe I can talk to Abby and see if she'd let you have it in your room?” If it would help Jasper, he'd do it. All he wanted was for his family to get back to normal.

“Would you actually do that?” Jasper asked, a small smile growing on his face. “That'd be awesome.”

“Of course. I'll talk to her later today.” He'd have time after dropping the book off in his room.

“Thanks, man,” Jasper said, running a finger along one of the lines in the painting. Bellamy wasn't sure what was so special about it, but if it made Jasper feel better, he was pretty sure Abby wouldn't say no. And if she did he'd just steal it and move it to Jasper's room himself.

Bellamy nodded and smiled before striding over to the shelves of books, going through them for any sign of one of Shakespeare's works. It didn't take him too long to find it, it wasn't Hamlet, but Bellamy hoped Murphy would like it anyway. He tucked the book inside his jacket and turned to leave, pausing at the door, “Jasper?”

“Yeah?”

“I've been organizing a hunting trip, a chance to get out of camp for a day or two, do you want to come?” He'd felt a little stifled inside camp for the past few days and needed a reason to leave the walls. He'd already gotten the okay from Abby about the trip, as well as about asking Jasper. Bellamy was willing to bet Jasper wanted out of camp as badly as everyone else did.

“I'd have to ask Abby.”

“I already asked her if it was alright if I asked you, she said it was.”

“Would I have to carry a gun?”

“Not if you don't want to.”

“Then sure, I'll go.”

Bellamy smiled, “Great. We'll head out a week from yesterday, do you want me to come get you or just meet us at the gates?”

“I'll meet you there,” Jasper said.

“Alright. See you then?”

“See you then.”

Bellamy nodded and left, quietly closing the door behind him. Maybe his family could get back to semi-normal eventually. They all had a long ways to go healing-wise, but someday, Bellamy had faith they'd make it.

He took the book back to his and Murphy's room, laying it on the night stand and turning to leave to speak with Abby about the painting. He hoped Murphy would like the book. Gina had done something similar for him and it had meant so much to him. He thought she'd approve of him giving the book to Murphy. He wished Murphy could have met her, he would have liked her, Bellamy was certain of it.

Bellamy didn't see Murphy until that evening after supper, but when he finally came into their room, Bellamy smiled and held out his arms for Murphy to climb into. Murphy sighed tiredly and situated himself in Bellamy's lap, asking how his day was.

“Dull, boring. Nothing happens so I'm just watching the trees for eight hours. I got you something today, though.”

“Oh?” Murphy asked, eyebrows raised.

“We recovered it from Mt. Weather before it blew. It was in a storage room so I doubt anyone will miss it,” Bellamy told him, reaching for the book.

“What is it?” Murphy asked, interested.

“It's a book.” Bellamy held it out to him, watching as Murphy read the front cover.

“A Midsummer Night's Dream,” Murphy read the words, smiling to himself. He looked up at Bellamy, “Thank you.”

“I'll read it to you, you know, if you want,” Bellamy told him.

“Yeah,” Murphy nodded. “I mean, you don't have to if you don't want to.”

“I want to.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, turn around.”

Bellamy waited until Murphy had seated himself between his legs before taking the book and opening it to the first page, beginning to read softly as Murphy relaxed into him. He read late into the night, until Murphy stilled and his breathing evened out, having fallen asleep. Bellamy smiled at him and gently moved him until he was lying down. Bellamy got up to shut off the light before getting in bed and wrapping his arms around Murphy, pulling him close.

 

–

 

“So, have you managed to kill anyone yet?” Emori asked, making Murphy jump as she came up behind him.

“No, sadly, they keep all sharp objects away from me currently, but all in due time,” He replied, grinning at her. “You make anyone cry today?”

“Three little kids. I don't know what I did wrong but whatever it was, Raven thought it was hilarious,” Emori huffed, leaning up against the wood of a guard tower. “All I did was tell them that in my village they would have already had to fight to the death to see who was the strongest warrior.”

“Yeah, SkaiKru doesn't do that.”

“Your children are weak.”

“They are children. Children shouldn't fight wars.”

“You did.”

“Yeah, well, my case was a rare one,” Murphy shrugged. “So, how've you been fitting in?”

“It feels weird being a member of a society again. I almost miss robbing strangers in the woods.”

“Almost?”

“I like working here.”

“You like working with Raven,” he teased. “You've got a crush.”

“Shut up, she's just teaching me how to build things and be useful.”

“Because you care so much about being useful to us.”

“Maybe I do. Maybe I want to stay here.”

“Because of Raven.”

“She's pretty, so what?” Emori blushed and elbowed Murphy for giggling when he noticed.

Murphy straightened up and caught his breath before saying, “She likes you, you know.”

“I know,” Emori nodded.

“So, are you together now?” Murphy asked, curious.

“Yes, I think so.”

“Good for you,” Murphy said, sincere.

“Are you taunting me?”

“No. No, I'm serious. Congrats and all that,” Murphy wiggled his fingers and smiled.

Emori laughed, then sobered up and told him, “Thank you, for letting me come here with you.”

“Thank you for agreeing to. It wouldn't have felt like home otherwise.” He needed Emori with him. She'd become such an important part of his life, he couldn't imagine it without her.

Emori bumped her shoulder into his, “You're such a sap.”

“I am not.” Maybe he was, but who cared. He had earned a little sappiness he thought.

 

–

 

Murphy was working, sterilizing bandages by soaking them in moonshine when he heard the shot. His head jerked up and he looked at Clarke who looked just as confused as he felt in the resulting silence. What was going on? Had the Grounders stormed the camp? No, there'd be more gunfire than that. A deer close to the fence, maybe? An accident? Or- Or Bellamy.

Murphy was on his feet in seconds, not even bothering to think rationally. He raced out of the infirmary, Clarke calling after him but he wasn't going to wait around to explain. He searched for Bellamy, checking the Gates where he was normally stationed first. He wasn't there and Murphy's panic grew. He found Harper and asked her where Bellamy was stationed that day. She looked confused but she directed him to a segment of the fence near the spot Murphy used to sneak out of camp.

Murphy rushed over as fast as he could but he didn't see him at first and the panic only rose, but then, finally, just as he was about to start shouting, he emerged from behind a guard tower. Murphy didn't hesitate, he ran straight for him, holding him tightly because for a second he had really believed he'd lost him.

“Hey, hey, what's wrong? What happened?” Bellamy asked, startled and confused.

Murphy loosened his grip and pulled back enough to look up at Bellamy, tears stinging his eyes, “I heard the shot, I thought that- that you might have- and I ran to find you but I didn't see you and-”

“Shh, shh, it's alright. I've got you, it's okay.” Bellamy had caught on quick to what Murphy meant. He wrapped his arms around him and held him close, a little shocked by how shaken Murphy seemed to be.

“It's okay now,” Bellamy reassured him. He kept telling him it was alright and whispering comforting words as he tried to calm Murphy down, wiping away his tears and kissing him before explaining that it was just a misfire, someone's weapon went off but no one was dead, he was fine, he was still alive, it was all okay.

Murphy felt like an idiot for crying but he couldn't help it. He had thought he lost Bellamy and the idea terrified him. He was grateful when Bellamy tugged on his jacket and started walking backward until they were hidden behind the guard tower he'd come from so they were safely out of the public eye.

Murphy clung to Bellamy, refusing to let go because of how easy it would be for him to really lose him. Bellamy understood, he got it, why Murphy made him promise he would come to him before he ever tried anything way back when they had first talked about it. Murphy was scared of losing him, terrified, and Bellamy wasn't quite sure what to do with the information except hold Murphy tighter and swear to never leave him.

“It's okay. I won't leave you, it's okay,” he promised, rubbing Murphy's back and pressing a kiss to the top of his head. “I've got you. It's alright.”

“It's not,” Murphy shook his head. “It's not okay, Bell.”

“Shh, yeah it is. I promise, I won't leave you.” He would always do his damnedest to get back to Murphy every time he left camp. He'd make sure to come home. He got it. He was needed, loved, regardless of what he'd done he had people counting on him to make it back.

“I could lose you.” He could, so easily.

“You won't lose me. I promise.”

“No more risks?”

“No. No more risks. You won't lose me.”

 


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fall Break means I actually get a chance to post something. 
> 
> Just a warning, there is a bit of smut in this chapter. For all those who would like to skip it it starts at '“Love you, too,”' Murphy hummed' and ends at 'Bellamy waited until Murphy'

Bellamy looked up from his lunch in confusion as Kane sat down in front of him. Kane had been back for almost a week now. He'd brought back news of a new Grounder commander that was willing to allow SkaiKru into the Collation. They were safe from Grounder attacks for the foreseeable future. The Ice Nation had a new leader and they weren't nearly as hellbent on the destruction of SkaiKru as the last had been.

“How are things, Bellamy?” Kane asked, smiling warmly at him.

Bellamy shrugged and set his fork down. He was unsure of what Kane wanted. Had he screwed up somehow while Kane had been gone? He'd done his best. He broke up fights and made sure the guards were in their positions on time so the fence was guarded and the people were safe. He'd done everything Kane had asked him to, but still, he wouldn't be surprised to hear that he'd somehow managed to screw something up. “Everything is fine. Did you need something?”

“I've been thinking, actually,” Kane began, leveling Bellamy with a look he couldn't quite decipher. “With Abby stretched so thin between being acting Chancellor and head doctor, she needs help, she's asked me to step up as acting Chancellor, as well. Something about two heads being better than one, but it doesn't leave me much time to oversee the guards.” Kane paused a moment, smile returning, “I was wondering if you'd like the job.”

“The job?” Bellamy blinked in confusion, Kane's words not really registering. He couldn't possibly be offering Bellamy the head guard position, not after all the mistakes he'd made.

“Head guard. I want you in charge. You've seen more battles than any of us, you're the best person for it,” Kane told him, nodding.

Bellamy was shocked. Why was Kane even considering him when there were so many other qualified people he could ask? People who hadn't made as many mistakes as he had. “But what about everything with Pike? They'd never trust me to do it-”

“Only because you don't trust yourself. Bellamy, I know you've made mistakes, but that's what makes me sure you're the right person for this. You've already seen what happens under the wrong leadership, there's no way you'd ever let something like that happen again.”

Bellamy nodded. Kane was right on both counts, Bellamy didn't trust himself, but he knew that he'd never let something like that happen ever again. He knew what it was like to be on the wrong side, to let anger and fear cloud his judgment and he would never allow that to happen again. But even so, was he really up for the challenge? Could he be in charge of the guard? Did he trust himself enough?

He was trying, he really was, to get past what happened. Most people in camp forgave him for it, he just had to work on forgiving himself. That being said, he wasn't sure he could be in charge on his own, he didn't trust himself or anyone to lead alone anymore. “I'll do it, but on one condition.”

“What's that?” Kane asked, his smile growing. He was so proud of Bellamy for working past his mistakes. Two months ago he never could have accepted Kane's offer, but now, no matter the condition, Kane was so proud to see how far he'd come.

“I want a co-leader. I don't want to be the only one in charge. No one should have all the power, it just ends in tyranny and mistakes. I need someone by my side who's not afraid to tell me when I go the wrong way. Someone I can trust to help me lead and to have my back,” Bellamy explained. “I want Miller to be my co-leader.”

If there was anyone he could trust it was Miller. He knew without a doubt that if he were ever to make a wrong decision, Miller would be the first to tell him. It wasn't that he didn't trust himself, he was working on that, it was that no one could lead alone, he had realized that by now. He needed help leading people, and there was no one he'd rather have by his side than Miller.

Kane nodded, accepting his terms. “I'll let you be the one to tell Miller, then.”

“Thank you.” For the first time in what felt like forever Bellamy felt like he might be able to do something other than fight against impossible odds. He, along with Miller, could contribute to their ever changing society. They could help people.

“Now, I've got to go talk to Abby. I believe you've just given me an idea, son,” Kane said as he stood. He took a second to place a hand on Bellamy's shoulder. “I'm proud of you. I really am. You'll do great.”

It was the first time Bellamy had been called son in a long time and coming from Kane it almost felt like he really could be his father. Bellamy smiled up at him as he turned to walk off, not even caring how dorky he must look smiling like a fool. He had a family here, and they all loved him. He really didn't have to do this on his own.

 

–-

 

“Are we taking the Rover?” Murphy asked fidgeting with the hem of his shirt. He was anxious to get outside the gates, it had been too long since he'd been out of camp, sneaking out with Monty didn't count because they never went far enough for it to really feel like freedom. He couldn't wait to get out. Sure, he liked working in the infirmary, but he was still a teenager and he needed his freedom, even if it was in the form of a hunting trip.

Clarke had spoken to Monty and made up a list of plants she wanted them to bring back if they could find it, including whatever that red stuff in the water was, they used it a lot. She'd told Murphy to help Monty with it and he'd agreed, not because Clarke told him to, but because he actually liked Monty and didn't mind doing it. So while Bellamy and the others were hunting, he and Monty would be gathering plants. He'd been slightly bummed that he wouldn't get to shoot anything but Monty had snorted and told him to get over it so that was what he'd done. He did get a gun, though. Not a rifle, but a handgun that was stuck in a holster at his waist. It made him feel better because he still didn't trust the Grounders one hundred percent. Sure, he trusted Emori and recognized that not all Grounders were going to attack him, but he still felt a little safer knowing he could protect himself against those that weren't as friendly.

“No, we're going on foot. We're not going too far into the woods and there's no reason to take the Rover,” Bellamy reassured him, resting a hand on his lower back. “We're just waiting on Jasper and Monty.”

Murphy nodded, relieved. He still didn't trust the Rover. Sure, Bellamy said it was safe, but he'd seen plenty of car crashes in movies on the Ark. He was just fine walking, thank you. Bellamy had mentioned trying to teach him how to drive it once but he'd squashed that idea. There was no way he was getting behind the wheel of that thing. He'd ride in it if he absolutely had to, but otherwise he was going to stay far away from it.

“Don't see why we couldn't have taken the Rover,” Bryan complained, tugging at the straps of his pack, trying to get them adjusted with no real result. “Would've been easier than trying to lug all of this crap.”

“Kane probably needed it for something else,” Miller reasoned, batting Bryan's hand away and adjusting the strap for him. He did up the other one for him before smiling at him and pulling him into a kiss.

Murphy eyed his pack with apprehension. He knew the only reason they weren't taking the Rover was because Bellamy knew he was scared shitless of the thing. He'd tried to explain it to Murphy and get him to come around but Murphy couldn't even get in the thing without getting nauseous. He'd rather carry a thirty pound pack than ride in the Rover for two days.

“Oh, finally,” Bellamy muttered, drawing Murphy's attention to the two approaching figures. “We were about to leave without you.”

“Sorry we're late, I didn't want to come,” Jasper snarked.

“Liar. You were up at least an hour before I was,” Monty said, taking a pack from Bellamy. “You just don't want people knowing you're actually excited for something.”

Jasper rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. He had debated most of the week about whether or not to go but he'd ultimately decided he wanted to go and he'd spent the last two days in a permanent state of anticipation. He wasn't sure he wanted outside the fence, but he wanted to do something, anything, that might make him feel a little bit better. He was doing better, he really was, seeing Abby twice a week helped, and Monty was always there for him when he needed it. He wasn't completely fixed, but he was getting there. It was slow progress but it was progress nonetheless.

Honestly, the only thing he was nervous about this trip was seeing Bellamy. He hadn't exactly been civil to him over the past few months and he needed to catch him, preferably alone, to apologize. Yes, his mental illness caused him to lash out, but he'd hurt people and he needed to apologize for it. He'd already apologized to Monty, but he'd been afraid of saying anything to Bellamy but their conversation last week had given him hope that maybe Bellamy didn't outright hate him for being such an ass. He still owed him an apology, however.

“Everybody ready?” Bellamy asked, handing Jasper a pack.

“Ready,” Harper said, hefting her own pack onto her shoulders. “Let's go kill stuff.”

Murphy snorted and slid his own pack onto his back, falling into step behind Bellamy as they walked through the gates.

Bellamy headed towards the treeline across the field, trailed by Murphy, Jasper, Monty, Miller, and Bryan. Really, the hunting trip itself was just an excuse to get outside the gates. They needed to go, needed to get away and feel free for a moment. Even with Bellamy and Miller's new responsibilities, they needed a chance to get away, just take a vacation from all the adults and go back to the way before, when they were in charge of themselves and their only responsibility was to survive. The adults had agreed to let them go, they couldn't really argue against it, they needed more food for winter and they deserved a break before Bellamy and Miller officially took up their new posts.

They walked in silence until they were well past the trees, each of them wrapped up in the feeling of being free. Bellamy was keeping a look out for any sign of a deer or a boar, anything but the odd tasting panther meat they'd had the past few nights. They had hunting parties that went out each day but with winter approaching they'd tripled the parties and Kane had agreed to let them out as well as long as they brought something back. He kept a close eye on the trees ahead of them and occasionally stopped to check for any fresh tracks but so far he'd found nothing.

“Hey, Murphy” Monty called, stepping up past Jasper so he could be heard. “Since Bellamy got a promotion, have you been giving any thought to your job?”

“Not really. Why? Should I be?” Murphy was perfectly happy with his job, he liked working in the infirmary. He was learning more each day and Jackson was quite helpful when Clarke was too busy to teach him. He preferred Jackson's teaching methods, he was a lot nicer and seemed to know more. Clarke only knew what she'd picked up and what her mother had taught her, Jackson had actually gone through medical training. He'd been trying to think of a way to tell Clarke he'd learned all he could from her but he wasn't sure how to broach the subject. As far as Jackson was concerned, he and Clarke were now equals in all but experience. Jackson had tried teaching Clarke a few things, too, but she seemed to only respond well to her mother, and even then it wasn't guaranteed.

“Maybe you should talk to Abby about what it would take to become a real doctor you know, like Jackson. We need more of them, might as well start training them now. You seem good at it and you like it, don't you?” Monty explained.

Murphy shrugged, “Yeah, I guess I do.” He liked being useful and he liked helping people, quite a bit more than he'd originally expected.

“Then talk to her about it. Why not, right?” Monty said with a shrug. “I can't hurt.”

Murphy nodded. He supposed Monty was right. He could ask Abby, the worst she could say was that he wasn't ready. She had said he showed promise. She believed he could do it, so there wasn't really a problem, she'd probably be glad he finally asked. “Alright, I'll ask her.”

“Great, I'm sure-”

“Quiet,” Bellamy hissed. “Stop!” They all stopped immediately, Bryan running into Miller because he hadn't heard the command.

“What's wrong?” Murphy whispered, coming to stand beside him.

“There, see in the bushes?” He asked pointing in front of them.

Murphy squinted, trying to find what Bellamy was trying to show him but he couldn't see it. “No, not really.”

Bellamy sighed and gently shoved Murphy's cheek so he was looking in the right direction. “There.”

“Wher- Oh.” Murphy finally saw it. There were two deer about twenty feet in front of them, hidden by some blackberry bushes. Both of them had two faces and looked a little gruesome, but they'd long since learned to look past the physical appearances of the animals on Earth. Food was food, it didn't matter whether it looked pretty or not.

Bellamy raised his rifle, aiming at the larger of the two and shifted his weight, causing a branch to snap before he could pull the trigger. The deer looked up at them, wide eyed and prepared to run. Bellamy let out a breath and took aim again, firing quickly, but the deer took off before the bullet could hit either of them, darting through the woods and away from the group. Bellamy cursed and lowered his rifle.

“We'll track them maybe get lucky later tonight or tomorrow,” he said. He couldn't believe he'd missed both of them but he'd get a second chance he was sure of it. They could only run so far.

“I'll mark the bushes on the map so the gathering parties will know where they're at,” Monty said as he pulled out a piece of paper and a pencil from the side pocket of his pack. They'd only just begun making the maps but each party was supposed to bring one so they could expand their knowledge of the terrain and mark off potentially dangerous areas as well as any source of food, water, or medicinal plants.

Bellamy walked off towards the bushes, looking for the trail he knew was there so they could track the deer. He pulled a few berries off one of the bushes and popped them into his mouth.

Monty walked up to him a cloth bag in hand. “I'm going to fill this with berries so we can have them with whatever we have for supper tonight.”

“Sounds good,” Bellamy nodded turning back to the mess of leaves and twigs in front of him. He was a fairly good tracker and he had no doubt he'd be able to find the deer again.

Two shots rang out causing both Bellamy and Monty to jerk their heads up, looking towards the group.

“Food!” Miller exclaimed as he and Harper approached a tree a little to their left. They each picked up a small fuzzy animal by the tail and held it up. “I think they're squirrels.”

“As long as they taste okay,” Harper shrugged, attaching the squirrel to a hook on her pack. “At least they've only got one face.”

“Three arms though,” Miller pointed out, poking at the small appendage. “Is anything on this planet normal?”

“Radiation: it keeps things interesting,” Harper snorted as Miller attached the squirrel to his own pack.

“Come on,” Bellamy called. He'd picked up the trail and wanted to follow it before the deer were gone.

They trekked through the trees for most of the day only pausing for a quick lunch and a short rest before starting up again after the deer. If they were lucky they'd get both of them but Bellamy was willing to settle for just one. Along the way Harper and Miller brought down another five squirrels, giving them seven in total.

It wasn't too long before Bellamy called for them to stop. The sun had begun setting and the woods were getting darker by the minute, soon they wouldn't be able to see anything. “We need to stop and set up camp somewhere.”

“According to the map there's a clearing not too far from here, we could use that,” Monty informed them.

Bellamy nodded and motioned for Monty to lead them. Pretty soon the reached the small clearing, sighing in relief as they dropped their packs.

“We'll set up our tents and then gather some firewood” Bellamy said, pulling the tent from his pack. They had split the load with one person carrying the tent and the other carrying the blankets for it. Miller, Harper, and Monty each pulled a tent from their packs. Miller and Bryan planned to share, as did Jasper and Monty, so Harper was left with a tent to herself, not that she minded.

They made quick work of the tents, with only two minor injuries -both treated by Murphy who plastered a bandaid on them and called the wounded a big baby- and so shortly before sundown they had the tents set up.

“I'm going to collect firewood, anyone want to join me?” Bellamy asked, standing up from where he'd been seated trying to fix a couple of tent poles.

“I'll go,” Jasper piped up. “If that's okay?”

“Sure,” Bellamy shrugged and started walking into the woods, Jasper trailing behind him.

Jasper had been waiting for an opportunity to get Bellamy alone all day so he could talk to him. He really did owe him an apology but now that he had the chance, he wasn't quite sure what to say. He took a deep breath and steeled himself, “Bellamy?”

“Yeah?” Bellamy didn't look up from where he was gathering sticks.

“I'm sorry.” There, he'd said it. He'd apologized and Bellamy was free to accept it or reject it as he pleased but Jasper had said it.

“For what?” This time Bellamy did look over at him, confusion on his face.

“For my behavior the last few months. I was out of line, I was hurt but that's no excuse for treating you like that. I shouldn't have. And I never should have slapped you.”

“You were drunk, and I get it. You don't have to apologize to me for being hurt. I was part of the reason you were hurt, I get it. You were angry, you had a right to be-”

“But I didn't have a right to hit you. And I didn't have a right to act like such a jackass. I hurt people and I need to apologize for that.” His mental illness was an explanation not an excuse. It had taken him a bit to come to terms with that, but it was true. He had acted like an asshole and he needed to apologize for it.

“I forgive you,” Bellamy told him, coming over to place a hand on his shoulder. “I get it. We're all hurt and we've all done things we regret. It's not okay but it will be.”

“Thanks,” Jasper really hadn't expected Bellamy's forgiveness, but Bellamy had given it to him so easily. Maybe he hadn't screwed everything up. Monty still cared about him, Bellamy was willing to forgive him, maybe he could fix things. He was getting better at managing his bad days, it was nice to know he still had people that cared.

He held out his arms wanting a hug. Bellamy didn't hesitate. He sat down his bundle of sticks and pulled Jasper into a hug. “I'm sorry, too.” He had been part of the reason why Jasper had been so hurt and he was truly sorry for that. If there had been any other way he would have taken it, but there hadn't been. His decisions were going to haunt him for the rest of his life, no matter how justified they were.

They pulled away from each other and Bellamy gave Jasper a smile that he managed to return. “Now come on, we've got to get the fire started soon.”

They spent a few more minutes gathering firewood before returning to the makeshift campsite. Bellamy piled the sticks together and grabbed some dry leaves and began to start the fire. He was the best at it out of all of them and he actually really enjoyed the process. It was mindless and dull and he didn't have to think about anything for a little while. Smoke began to come from it and then flames leaped onto the dry leaves and the fire spread quickly, leaving them with a comfortable heat and a warm glow.

Miller and Harper had already begun skinning two of the squirrels and soon they were cooking over the fire the smell making everyone's stomach growl. Once they were fully cooked they, along with the rest of the blackberries, were divided among the group for supper. The squirrels were lean and gamy but they paired nicely with the berries leaving everyone full and satisfied.

“We'll pick up the trail tomorrow,” Bellamy said with a yawn. “You ready for bed, Murphy?”

“Yeah,” Murphy nodded, standing up and stretching. “Night guys.”

A chorus of 'goodnight' followed him as he made his way to the tent, holding the flap open for Bellamy before ducking inside himself. He stripped down and piled his clothes in the corner with his boots before sliding into bed, all the walking having made him more tired than he'd thought he was.

Bellamy laid down beside him, smiling at him and reaching out to trace one of Murphy's scars, causing him to shiver. “I love you.”

“Love you, too,” Murphy hummed, moving closer to Bellamy. He reached out and put his hand on Bellamy's neck so he could pull him in for a kiss. It was lazy and loving but quickly turned heated as Bellamy rolled over so he was on top of Murphy. He bit down on Murphy's bottom lip and Murphy opened his mouth for him, letting him explore as he pleased. Bellamy ran a had down Murphy's side, holding his hip and grinding down into him as he swirled his tongue around Murphy's making him moan.

The kiss never broke as Murphy bucked his hips up into Bellamy's wanting more friction. They'd been trying, going as slow as Murphy wanted and they'd gotten to the point where he could get off but he wasn't yet at the point where he could let Bellamy take him outright, even if he wanted him to. They were getting there, though, and Murphy was thrilled with the progress they'd made so far.

“Bell,” Murphy moaned as the kiss finally broke. “Please.”

Bellamy nodded, pressing kisses down his jaw as he shoved the waistband of Murphy's boxers down and took him into his hand. Murphy bucked his hips and moaned again, Bellamy silencing him with another kiss. As much as he wanted to hear Murphy, he didn't want to get discovered by the others. He stroked him, gentle and slow, teasing him and driving him crazy as he did so. He could feel himself getting hard. He let go of Murphy for a moment, just long enough to push down his own boxers.

Bellamy took both of them in his hand, asking, “Is this okay?

Murphy nodded wildly, wanting nothing more than for Bellamy to just get on with it. He pulled Bellamy into another kiss as he began to stroke them off. He kept a steady, fast pace that had them both moaning into the kiss.

It didn't take long for Murphy to cum, whimpering as Bellamy stroked him through it as he reached his own climax soon after, spilling onto their chests.

Bellamy rolled over so he wouldn't fall on top of Murphy and pulled Murphy into his arms, pressing a kiss to his forehead. They laid there in the afterglow for what felt like hours until Murphy pulled away to grab a rag from one of their packs to clean them off.

Bellamy waited until Murphy had tossed the rag away from the blankets before pulling him against his chest and wrapping his arms around him. “Night, Murph.”

“Night, Bell,” Murphy said as he cuddled up to Bellamy smiling as he fell asleep.

 

–

 

“I don't wanna be awake,” Bryan complained, pressing his face into Miller's chest. “I wanna go back to sleep. Why are we up, it's barely even dawn.”

Miller chuckled and wrapped his arms around him. “You'll wake up after breakfast.”

“Not a morning person?” Monty asked digging through his pack for his rations.

“Nope. He's like this every morning. He's made us both late for guard duty several times,” Miller replied.

Bryan was the complete opposite of a morning person. All he wanted to do in the morning was cuddle up to Miller and go back to sleep for a couple more hours. It was fine on their days off, Miller didn't mind spending the day in bed with him, but when they had something to do, especially something that required them to get up before the sun, he did nothing but complain and occasionally try to convince Miller that it wasn't worth being up.

“Let's go back to bed, we can catch up with them later. Please?” Bryan whined.

“Sorry, babe,” Miller replied. “We've got to track those deer.”

“I'll make it worth it,” Bryan bargained.

“Tempting but no,” Miller shook his head, pressing a kiss to the top of Bryan's head. “Come on, let's eat breakfast, you'll feel better then.”

“If you say so,” Bryan sighed, pulling away from Miller and flopping down in front of the charred sticks that used to be their fire. Miller dropped his pack in front of him so he could get his rations out. He pulled them out and began eating as Miller sat down beside him.

It took them all about a half hour to eat and wake up enough to pull the tents apart, which took another hour, so by the time they were ready to move the sun was fully up and everyone was awake and ready to go.

Bellamy found the trail again easily, having marked where they stopped with a cut on a tree. They made good progress, trekking through the woods in pursuit of the deer they had seen yesterday.

It was about midday when they stopped for lunch, the sun high up in the sky, shining down through the trees and making them sweat. Winter might be fast approaching but it certainly didn't feel like it today.

Everyone pulled off their packs and devoured the rest of their rations, breaking off into groups.

Monty pulled on Murphy's arm after they had finished eating, dragging him over to a lake they could see through the trees. “According to the map, there should be at least a third of the list here alone.”

“Great. Did she happen to draw you a picture of the plants? Because I've got no clue what any of them look like,” Murphy told him, pulling a few bags from his pack. They had a bag for each of the plants on their list and Clarke wanted as much as they could fit in them.

“I know what they look like. Look, over there's one of them I'll get them while you get the red stuff, okay?”

“Sounds fair,” Murphy agreed, eyeing the patch of thorns. He'd rather get wet than get tangled up in that. He quickly stripped off his clothes and waded into the water, searching for the red plant they needed. It seemed to be useful in treating wounds and keeping them from getting infected, though none of them knew what to call it.

He found it pretty easily, the thin leaves brushing against his legs and making him jump back. He grabbed the plant and tore off a large chunk of it before retreating to the shore shaking as much water out of the plant as he could. He sat down on the rocks near his clothes and stuffed the plant into a bag, tying it shut and shoving it in his pack. He stood up and squeezed as much water from his boxers as he could before getting dressed and walking over to Monty to see if he could help with any of the other plants.

Bellamy leaned against a tree as he ate watching Jasper try to make Harper laugh. It wasn't working but at least Jasper was coming back to his old self. Bellamy felt like his family was starting to heal itself. Jasper's apology meant a lot to him. He was sure the boy would hate him forever but he'd proven that to be wrong and Bellamy couldn't be happier.

“Hey,” Miller said as he walked up to Bellamy, a small smile on his face.

“Hey,” Bellamy nodded as Miller stopped beside him and turned to watch Bryan as Monty tried explaining the plants to him and Murphy.

“So we're head guards now.”

“We are.”

“It feels a little surreal to be honest, I never expected to be anything close to a guard let alone in charge of them all,” Milled shook his head, not quite believing it. “Thanks, for choosing me.”

“There's no one I trust more to have my back or to tell me hen I've made a mistake,” Bellamy told him. “I should have listened to you from the beginning.”

“You should have,” Miller agreed. “But that's in the past now.”

“I'm sorry.”

“I forgive you.” They had repeated the same exchange several times over the course of the past three months, ever since Bellamy had realized working with Pike was a bad thing. “I never expected you to be infallible. You made a mistake but you recovered from it and you made the right decision in the end, that's what matters.”

“Thank you,” Bellamy said sincerely. Miller was his best friend and he trusted him completely. He should have listened in the beginning but he hadn't. Next time he'd trust Miller's judgment.

“No problem man. I got your back.”

Bellamy smiled. There was no one he'd rather have leading with him than Miller, he had been thrilled when Miller accepted his offer, it had felt like everything clicking into place. Not too long ago he and Miller had been in charge of the delinquents during the Grounder war, now they were in charge of the guard and they had peace. Things were finally beginning to feel okay.

Harper rolled her eyes and sat down next to the lake watching the fish swim around in the clear water. She considered putting together a pole and trying to catch some but decided against it. She really didn't want to smell fish all the way back to camp. She'd leave the fishing to the hunting parties.

She startled as Monty came up beside her and sat down, holding out a bag full of berries. “I'm like, eighty percent sure they aren't poisoness.”

Harper snorted but took a handful of the berries and popped one in her mouth. “Thanks.”

Monty nodded and stared at the fish. “About that night-”

“We don't have to talk about it,” Harper told him.

“I just want to apologize. I kind of used you to see if I was over someone else and that was wrong of me,” Monty apologized. He'd only slept with her to see if he was over Miller and as much fun as it had been, he'd only learned that, no, he wasn't. It sucked because Miller was more than happy with Bryan and Monty would never dream of breaking them up so he'd resigned himself to pining for the foreseeable future.

“It's okay,” Harper said. “To be honest, I kind of used you, too. I was lonely and fucked up over losing Monroe and I just wanted to forget about it for a moment.” She missed Monroe a lot, even now, but she was slowly moving on. She'd probably never love Monty as anything more than a good friend, she'd only used him because he was available and willing, and she was glad he didn't have feelings for her.

“We're both a little fucked up, aren't we?” Monty laughed softly.

“Just a little bit,” Harper agreed, reaching for more berries.

“Alright, time to go,” Bellamy called. “It's been long enough, I don't want to lose the deer.”

They all slowly got around, pulling on their packs and getting ready to begin walking again. Monty and Murphy, with the help of Bryan, had managed to find all the plants marked on the map and three that weren't bringing the total of plants they'd found to half the list.

They began their trek again, talking among themselves as Bellamy followed the tracks. It wasn't long before Bellamy held his hand up, bringing them all to a stop. He pointed towards a clearing through some trees.

One of the deer was eating grass inside the clearing, the second was no where to be found but one was good enough. Harper was closest to the deer and the only one with a clear shot at it's heart so she raised her rifle and pulled the trigger before the deer even knew they were there. It fell to the ground dead.

“Nice shot, Harper,” Bryan said.

“Very nice shot “ Bellamy agreed, pulling a tarp from his bag. They would have to carry the deer back, which didn't sound like fun, but as long as they took turns it shouldn't be too bad. “Murphy, help me get it on the tarp.”

Murphy scowled but did as requested, helping Bellamy load the deer onto the tarp. They'd drain and skin it when they got it home, so there wasn't much to be done to it out here. Once the deer was loaded on the tarp, Harper, Miller, Murphy, and Bellamy each grabbed a side of it so the weight wouldn't be too bad on anyone.

They managed to get back to camp a day later having had to stop when night caught up with them. They had stayed out a day longer than they'd meant to but the welcome they got when they handed off the deer and three remaining squirrels more than made up for it.

Murphy flopped onto the bed the second they got back to their room, groaning and closing his eyes.

“That tired?” Bellamy asked, grinning at how pathetic Murphy looked, it was almost cute.

“I want to sleep for a year,” Murphy whined.

“Then get undressed, you can't sleep with your boots on.”

“Watch me.”

Bellamy snorted and shook his head as Murphy sat up and undid his laces, kicking his boots off and standing up to strip before collapsing on the bed again. “Hurry up and cuddle me.”

“So bossy,” Bellamy laughed, stripping of his own clothes. “Scoot over.”

Murphy complied letting Bellamy wrap his arms around him and pull him close.

 


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry this took so long. College didn't leave me much time for writing and finals were even worse, but now I'm all caught up on sleep and plan to get at least one more chapter written before I go back in next month.
> 
> Also, this one is short, I'm sorry about that, too. I'm just getting back into writing after not doing so for nearly two months, it's slow progress for the time being.

Murphy finally caught Abby after supper. He'd been looking for her all day but she'd been busy with her duties as acting Chancellor and hadn't been around. She looked a little stressed but she smiled when she saw him approach.

“Murphy, what can I do for you?” She asked.

Murphy took a deep breath. Monty had a point, he did want to be more than an assistant, he wanted to be a doctor, and Abby had said she believed he had what it took so she'd probably help him. “I was wondering, uh, exactly what would it take for me to be a doctor? Like you and Jackson, not just basic first aid, but to actually be a doctor.”

Abby's smile widened and she motioned for him to follow her. She began walking back to the station, telling him, “I was wondering when you'd ask. I know you've got it in you. I remembered seeing some books in the stuff we brought from Mt. Weather. I gave a couple to Clarke, but I saved a couple for you and you two can just exchange them when you're done.”

She led him through the stations hallway to what Murphy assumed was her room. She opened the door and ushered him through it, following behind and stepping up to a bookcase next to the bed that held an assortment of large books. Murphy's heart started to sink. He couldn't read those. He'd never be a doctor if that was what it took.

“They're a little outdated but, then again, so are our methods right now. It'd be better if we still had access to Mt. Weather's facilities, but we brought some of it with us and we've been making due fairly well with what we've got.” She said, picking up a couple of the books and holding them out. “I'm not going to test you, but you should read all of it and try to memorize what you can.”

Murphy took the books, the weight heavy in his hands. He forced a smile and nodded, swallowing hard, “Thanks. I'll check them out.”

She gave him one last smile as he turned to leave, “I know you can do it.”

Murphy felt the urge to snap something back at her, but he didn't. She didn't mean any harm, she didn't know, he hadn't told her. He hadn't told anyone. He carried the books back to his room, considering just dumping them in the trash and ignoring them.

He knew he could never read them. The letters would move too much and he'd never get through all the big words, it was why he'd never done well in school before he'd gotten locked up. He couldn't get through them, not by himself, he'd always had his dad to help him read, but then his dad was gone and he'd had to do it on his own and he'd never figured out how to make the letters stay on the page. He could read, but only just, and it took him forever to get through a page and it was frustrating as hell.

He sighed, resigning himself to being an assistant, forever. It wasn't the worst job, he liked it, but he'd rather be a doctor. He wanted to be able to help people like Jackson and Abby, he wanted to understand what was going on and how to fix it. He wanted to learn, but he didn't think he could. Being an assistant wasn't what he wanted, but it was what he could do, so he'd do it. He closed his eyes and opened the door to his room, ready to put the books away and go to sleep without thinking about them.

Bellamy looked up as the door opened, ready to greet Murphy, but the words died on his tongue as he took in the look on Murphy's face and the books in his arms. He couldn't connect the two, but he was pretty sure that they were connected, seeing as how Murphy had been just fine when he'd seen him at supper, before he'd ran off after Abby. “What's wrong, Murph?”

Murphy shrugged, ready to assure Bellamy that he was fine and nothing was wrong but he couldn't lie to him. Bellamy had helped him with so much, maybe he could offer a solution to this, too, or at least some comfort if there was nothing to be done. “I asked Abby what it would take to be a doctor and she gave me these books.”

“Okay?” Bellamy prompted, still not seeing the problem. He and Murphy read every night, well, he read, Murphy followed along, but still. If Murphy wanted to read different books, then they could. That wasn't a problem.

“Bellamy, I- I can't read all that well, Bell,” Murphy admitted, fiddling with the edge of one of the books. He wished he could read them, but he wasn't sure he could. He could try, but he'd probably just get frustrated and angry at himself and end up taking it out on others, and Bell didn't deserve that.

“Then we'll read them together. I'll help you.” Bellamy said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world. Of course he'd help Murphy, why wouldn't he? If Murphy wanted to be a doctor, then he would be, even if Bellamy had to read the books to him.

“You don't have to. I mean, I'll probably never be good enough to be a doctor, anyway, so it's just a waste of time.” Why should Bellamy waste his time on him? He'd never get through the books, let alone remember all of it, so he may as well not even try.

“Yes, you are. If you weren't, Abby never would have given you those books.”

Murphy frowned. Bellamy had a point, but Abby thinking he could didn't make it anymore true.

“Just try. Come on, we'll work on it. Just a few pages every night. And talk to Abby tomorrow, explain it to her. Maybe she or Jackson could help you with something more hands on. We don't have to start tonight, just put the books down and come here. We'll start tomorrow, okay? If you get stuck, I'll help you, alright? We can go as slow as you need to,” Bellamy promised, patting the side of the bed. “But not tonight. You look stressed enough.”

Murphy nodded and dropped the books on the night stand before kicking off his boots and curling up next to Bellamy as he pulled out the book they'd been reading. He'd probably be asleep before Bellamy finished the chapter, but that was okay.

 

–

 

The next morning he sought out Abby before his shift. She was in the infirmary with Jackson, making sure they had all the supplies they'd need and making a list for the next hunting party to look for. Mainly plants, but they'd come across a couple bunkers during their searches, so she'd probably have them go through those to see if they could find anything.

She looked up as he approached. “Murphy, you're here early. I just told Jackson about you deciding to be a doctor.”

“About that-” Murphy rubbed the back of his neck, “I'm not too sure I can do it.”

“Of course you can. I know you can,” Abby told him.

“No, Abby-” Murphy swallowed the urge to snark out something mean and run off. He was past that. He trusted Abby and Jackson, they'd helped him so much, he could trust them with this. If Clarke were there, he was sure he wouldn't be able to stop the snark, but she wasn't, so he took a deep breath and began. “I can't read properly. I have never been able to. I don't know how I can get through the books on my own.”

Abby nodded, “You're not on your own. You've got Jackson and me, and Clarke, too, I'm sure. She's not as bad as you think.”

Murphy frowned again, “Not until she incites a crowd to hang you.”

Abby sighed, but said nothing. She wasn't here to push Murphy, she was just trying to help and his relationship with Clarke didn't seem like something she could mend. “You've got Bellamy, too, I'm sure he'll help you out if you need it. And Jackson and I are both willing to help you if you have questions, we'll even show you how to do some procedures when we get the chance. I know you can do this. After all, you've had your hand in someone's chest and didn't even flinch, you're made for this kind of work.”

Murphy nodded and gave her a small smile. Maybe he could do it. There was no harm in giving it a shot.

“I've got to get this list to the hunting party before they leave. I'll see you two later.” She turned away and left, leaving Murphy standing there a little awkwardly with Jackson.

“Anything you need, Murphy, I'm here, alright?” Jackson patted him on the shoulder and began getting things ready for the day to begin.

“Do we need more bandages sterilized?” Murphy asked, moving towards the back of the infirmary.

“No. Why don't you stick with me today? I can show you some procedures if anyone comes in. Only if you want to, of course,” Jackson offered.

Murphy raised an eyebrow but nodded, coming back to stand next to Jackson. Maybe he'd learn something new today, if he was lucky.

 

–

 

Bellamy made good on his promise to help him, though Murphy wouldn't have faulted him for not, he wasn't exactly a good student, even when he was learning on his own. He wanted it, though, so he didn't stop, no matter how frustrating it got. It was hard and progress was slow sometimes, but he wanted it so badly, so he refused to give up on it. He tried his best to read on his own as much as he could, but some nights he was too tired to do more than listen to Bellamy read it out loud for him. Of course, there were some nights when Bellamy came home too tired to read anything and fell asleep next to Murphy, his new job having tired him out more than he'd expected it too, but he loved it. Murphy was incredibly proud of him for it, too.

Murphy struggled through the books, each one taking at least two months, sometimes longer, but he was determined to do it. He read at night, curled up next to Bellamy who pressed gentle kisses to the side of his head whenever he got frustrated and helped him with the words he didn't understand or couldn't get through. It was hard and sometimes he wanted to quit, but Bellamy was always there to encourage him and distract him whenever he needed a break. It might take him a few years, but he'd eventually do it.

“Thank you,” Murphy muttered, so quiet Bellamy barely heard it. He was still working on showing good emotions to people, even ones he cared about without wanting to withdraw into himself. It embarrassed him to no end, but Bellamy didn't say anything, he just pressed a kiss to the top of Murphy's head to let him know he'd heard.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, feedback is loved. Find me [here](http://assholemurphy.tumblr.com/)


End file.
